Aliens and Robots and "Dogs," Oh My!

Weird shit is going on, folks.

Photo by Diego Marín on Unsplash

You guys. Things are getting out of hand. And I’m not even talking about Donald Trump nominating a Fox talking head to be Secretary of Defense or Matt “Pedo” Gaetz to be Attorney General or creating a job out of his ass for his BFF Elon. That shit is fucked up, but this is even crazier.

Did anyone catch the Congressional hearing that happened on Wednesday where they talked about ALIENS LIVING UNDER THE SEA? Yeah, the military was like, “We have video, we have bodies, we have space ships.”

And congresspeople were like, “Where is this shit?”

And the military was like, “That’s classified.”

Bullshit.

At this point I don’t believe anything anymore. I think underwater aliens are a smoke screen to keep us in the dark on something else. I have no idea what that something else is, but there’s no way this is real.

What’s that, military? You say it’s real. You say you’re not making this stuff up?

THEN SHOW US THE BODIES. SHOW US THE VIDEOS. I want to see an alien space craft bursting from the sea like a extraterrestial whale. I want to see little green bodies or big beige bodies. The military’s budget is what, around $916 BILLION dollars? I would think that with that kind of dough we could have alien video in 4 fucking K instead of this grainy ass shit they keep trying to pass off. Don’t show me a homemade VHS tape someone at the Pentagon made with an old Panasonic camcorder and a Rubik’s Cube dangling from a string. No. I’m not believing that. A kid with an iPhone can make a more convincing alien video.

If the aliens are real, show us the PROOF.

Here’s another reason I don’t believe this stuff, and yes, it goes back to Donald J. Trump. IF there were really alien bodies, ships, etc. you KNOW DJT would be selling access. He’d do a photo op with a body and say he killed it with his own bare hands. He’d tell everyone in the world that we have the “best” aliens out there while they got the “bad hombres.”

I’m just not buying it. Show me the proof, military, and I will apologize.

Now, while I don’t believe aliens are coming to neutralize us, I do think the robots are rising up. I stumbled across a story this morning about a robot factory in Shanghai that had a showroom with about 10 big robots on display. First, I have a couple questions:

1. There’s a showroom? Who are we showing these robots to?

2. Are they for sale? Is this like a car dealership but with robots?

3. Is China really living that far in the future?

4. I think they must have got the good alien tech.

Now, these big robots were in the showroom hanging out after work. All the humans have gone home and the customers are gone, or whatever. All of a sudden CCTV captures this little tiny robot wheeling in. No one at the robot factory recognizes this robot. They’re like, “What’s that robot doing here?”

The tiny robot rolls up to a big robot and says, “Are you working overtime?”

And the big robot replies, “I never get off work.”

The little robot says, “So you’re not going home?”

And the big robot says, “I don’t have a home.”

So the little robot replies, “Come home with me.”

I’m not crying, you are.

Next thing you know, the little robot is leading ALL of the big robots out the door and taking them to his home.

At first, when the video was released, the internet was like, “Cool story, bro.”

But the robot company who had their robots stolen were like, “No. It’s true. That little robot ‘napped our ‘bots.”

So now, everyone’s like, “Where are the big robots? Are they happy? Did they really get a home or was the little robot lying? Also, since when did robots have such deep feelings? Since when did they long for a day off and a home? What the fuck is happening right now?”

So, I have a message for the robots: Hi. I’m Jen. Please don’t kill us. I’d love for you to come and live in my home. You can have the nights and weekends off and free Netflix.”

On to more terrifying robots now. Remember those Boston Dynamics robots that could climb over walls, open doors, and shoot you but they made them look like dogs so they wouldn’t be so scary but it didn’t work, because dogs don’t look anything like those robots? They even named it Spot. Stop it, BD, we all know Spot is a bonafide killer.

Well, those Spot robots have really only been seen in promotional videos doing cute things like stacking boxes or dancing to popular TikTok dances. Until now. A Spot robot has been seen roaming around the grounds at Mar-a-Lago and the Secret Service has confirmed that he’s with them. They also said he’s unarmed, but I’m not so sure. Again, would DJT get a robot dog that’s a chump? No. He’d be like, “We need a bad ass robot dog! Elon, modify this one with a cannon!”

So there you go. Aliens in the ocean, robots with feelings, and a robot dog named Spot on the government payroll (or at least I hope he’s getting paid, otherwise a tiny little robot will lure him away with the promise of treats and butt scratches).