I LOVE gummy bears. Like, love-love them. I’ve loved gummy bears since I was a young girl but after literal decades of taste testing every gummy bear I could find, I always return to my boo: Haribo.
[Side note: How do we pronounce this? Harry-bo? Hair-eh-bo? Hari-boooo? I don’t know. I just call it delicious.]
Now that I’m older and every single caloric intake shows up on my ass, I have to be incredibly picky about the gummy bears that go down my gullet, so Haribo are the ONLY gummy bears I will eat. I won’t even taste-test new brands when I see them. I already know they won’t be good and I couldn’t bear getting diabeetus.
In my mind, Haribo could do no wrong (except maybe when they try to make sugar-free hellbears) UNTIL today when I read an article about a man who did a good deed for the company and was rewarded…but just “bearly.”
OK, so there was this guy in Germany named Anouar. He was walking down the street, minding his own business, when he saw a piece of paper flapping in the wind. Because he’s a good citizen, he decided to pick up this piece of trash and dispose of it properly. When he picked it up he saw it was a check for $4.8 million made out to Haribo.
The check was “crossed” which I think means it couldn’t be deposited by anyone else but the company. But still, it was a really big check and Anouar didn’t know what to do with it, so he called Haribo Headquarters where I imagine a receptionist dressed as a brightly colored bear answered the phone. He was hooked up with someone in the legal department (who probably dresses like business bears with ties and shit). They told (growled at) him to destroy the check and send photographic proof it had been done.
Anouar tore up the check and sent the photos to the business bears and they were like, “Cool. Thanks.”
And then the big bears at Haribo were like, “We owe you, Anouar” and they sent him a reward for finding and destroying their enormous check.
What did they send, you ask? Well, if you found a check for $4.8 million and turned it in, what would you expect? The lawyers SAID the check couldn’t be cashed by anyone, but they sure were adamant they get picture proof that it was. Hmmm…makes me wonder if Anouar could have done something with that check. I have to believe that finding and destroying the check of a multi-billion company would be worth something. Maybe a couple thousand dollars, perhaps? Who knows? Only the Haribo HBIC (Head Bear In Charge) knows what the check was worth to the company. And for them, Anouar’s honorable act was worth Haribo’s “standard thank-you package”: six packs of candy.
Now, as I said before, I love those little bears, but if I returned a check worth almost five million bucks, I’d hope Haribo would show their appreciation with a bit more than six packs of candy. I probably have five packs of bears in my pantry right now and I didn’t do anything for them except pay retail! (Don’t judge. You don’t know my life.) And what if it wasn’t even bears they sent? The article didn’t specify WHICH candies they sent. Oh god, what if Anouar got all Fizzy Colas and Star Mix?? Not a bear in the box! Can you imagine the insult that would be? The humanity!
I don’t know, Anouar seems like a better person than me. If I find a Haribo check on the ground—crossed or not—I’m going to negotiate with the business bears like it’s a hostage situation. We’ll start at $1 million for the confirmed destruction of the check and go from there. I expect the negotiations to be tough—they’re sweet, but they’re still bears, after all—but I will try my best. I can promise you I won’t settle for anything less than a lifetime supply of the gold bears plus the standard thank you of six packs of candy—I will allow Twin Snakes but NO FIZZY COLA.
PS - I was nominated for a Goodreads Choice Award! Please vote for MIDLIFE BITES so it can be declared the Funniest Book of 2022!
Oh Jen, PLEASE stop perpetuating this common misconception about how people develop diabetes. "I won’t even taste-test new brands when I see them. I already know they won’t be good and I couldn’t bear getting diabeetus." No one develops diabetes from eating gummy bears. It is an autoimmune disease that people have a predilection for. Type one happens when your pancreas stops making ANY insulin. Type two happens when your pancreas stops making enough insulin to convert your food into energy. This happens most often in people who are quite overweight, but slim people also develop type two diabetes. The 29 million people in the US diagnosed with diabetes do NOT find these types of jokes funny. Thank you!!!!
I JUST discovered an EASY recipe for wine gummy bears. MAKING them for sure!