And Now I Know There is a Big Penis Defense

I was reading the headlines this morning and I stumbled across one that stopped me: “Murder Suspect Who Used Big-Penis Defense Found Not Guilty.”

And before you ask, Yes, of course, it was Florida.

The weird part is, this happened way back in 2017, but for some reason, it’s trending again. And I’m glad, because I missed it the first time and this seems like a story I needed to know about. And now you do too. So, let me catch you up.

There was this dude with a very large member. His name was Richard Patterson and he was 65 years old. He had a 60-year-old girlfriend named Francisca Marquinez who ended up dead back in 2015 after a rendezvous of the erotic variation with Richard AKA “Big Dick” (which no one calls him but me).

Dick was spending some quality time with his lady friend, Francisca at her place. One thing led to another and soon Francisca happily (allegedly) found Big Dick in her mouth. She was getting down. Things were getting hot and moving fast for two sixty year olds. She was so into her preferred slob-the-knob method, she didn’t realize she was literally choking to death on Richard’s (allegedly) unusually large disco stick.

I have questions!

1. Was this Francisca’s first time getting her hands on Richard’s baloney pony? Did she not know it was more the size of a baloney stallion?

2. Surely, Richard, who has lived a lifetime with this colossal curse, warns his partners about the choking hazard in his boxer shorts?

3. Or maybe Francisca had an unusually small throat (allegedly)?

Anyhoo, back to the bone zone.

We left off with Francisca finding her rhythm and things going splendidly—at least for Big Dick. Before he knows it, he’s so deep in his feels he doesn’t even realize how deep he is in Francisca’s throat.

Richard was like, “What that mouth do?”

And Francisca was like, “Gargh, blergh, slop.”

And Richard was like, “Sounds about right.”

According to Richard, one minute Francisca’s gagging on his gargantuan gherkin and loving it, and the next minute Francisca is dead!

4. But how did this happen?

5. Fun fact, a penis can be bit off. Did Francisca not have teeth?

When Richard saw she was dead, “Suffocated by a Superior Shlong” became his theory.

I guess Richard was like, “Oh no! My stupid enormous penis has killed my girlfriend. Whatever shall I do?”

I can tell you what he didn’t do. He didn’t call 911.

He said he figured there was nothing anyone could do for Francisca and he was “embarrassed” by the manner of her death.

Yeah, I’m not buying that bullshit. I’m not a guy, but I’ve been around a few in my life. And, from what I’ve gathered, they’re never embarrassed by the size of their pee-pees—unless they’re super pee-wee.

You’re telling me there’s a guy out there who is embarrassed his nickname in high school was “Tripod?” Nah. You’re telling me there’s a guy out there who is embarrassed to admit he’s half anaconda? Get outta here. You’re telling me there’s a guy out there who is embarrassed his wang is an actual weapon? No fucking way. I don’t believe it.

But Richard is a well-hung yet humble man. He couldn’t bear the spotlight on his gross anatomy. So, he left Francisca’s body in her house and went home.

Sure, he texted his daughter the next day and said he “did something really, really bad last night” but that doesn’t mean murder. It could have been anything. Maybe he ran a red light or left the milk out overnight. It doesn’t necessarily mean he murdered his girlfriend. When she asked for clarification, he went silent.

By the time police found Francisca’s body (with no help from Richard, BTW), it was so badly decomposed that they couldn’t determine her manner of death. But Richard was still arrested for her murder.

It went to trial and that’s when everyone heard about the Big Penis Defense. The prosecution brought in a medical expert who was like, “I don’t know how she died, but I doubt it was choking on a ding-dong.”

So then, the defense was like, “Cool. Okay, well Richard just THOUGHT that’s how she died. He’s not a doctor. He doesn’t know how these things work. He just has a baby’s arm in his pants that he can’t control and a dead woman. He put two and two together!”

And to prove just how confusing it is for a man with a fucking fire hose in his drawers, the defense came up with the idea that the jury needs to see it. They figured if the jury could see Richard’s penis they’d understand how he could have thought Francisca fellatio'd herself into an early death.

6. Can you imagine being a juror on that case? I’d be like, “I’m not getting paid enough for this shit. The hardest of passes, sir."

Apparently, there was a serious discussion between the judge and the assistant state attorney about the logistics of such an exhibit. Some of the concerns were:

Where does this viewing take place? Privately? In open court?

What state of arousal will the penis be in when viewed? Flaccid? Erect? The assistant state attorney felt a flaccid penis would be “irrelevant” and it needed to be “erect.”

How will Richard get his penis to the state’s preferred solidity?

All I can think about is a courtroom artist trying to capturing the moment for posterity with his pastels.

In the end, the judge decided it wasn’t necessary to see Richard’s donkey dick. The jury only took 5 hours to find Richard not guilty. I really wish we could know what was said in there because I don’t think he accidentally choked her with his chode. But he did say he did something “really, really bad” and that seems