As If We Needed Another Reason to Hate Group Chats

The Poop Emoji Has Entered the Chat

Photo by Sincerely Media on Unsplash

If the United States was a television show, by now I’d be throwing my remote at the TV and screaming, “Come on! This is so unbelievable!”

I think I reached that point yesterday when I heard that Pete Hegseth was (probably drunk) when he shared top secret war operations to his group chat on Signal like he was making plans for a BBQ this weekend. There were exclamation points, fucked up emojis, awkward mentions of the Lord, and bro-talk.

All the cool kids were there.

Besides Pete “I’ll Quit Drinking When You Give Me the Job 🤞🥃” Hegseth, there was:

J.D. “Did You Even Say Thank You?🤡” Vance

Marco “I Sold My Soul For This 😭🔫” Rubio

Michael “How The Fuck Does Signal Work 🤔🤷‍♂️⁉️” Waltz

Susie “God Bless the USA 🙏💣” Wiles

Stephen “Daddy Never Loved Me 🔥🧨” Miller

John “I’m a Spy Guy! 🕵️‍♀️” Ratcliffe

Tulsi “No Comment 🤐” Gabbard

Steve “Let’s Make a Deal 🤑💥” Witkoff

And oh yeah, Jeffrey Goldberg, the Editor-in-Chief of The Atlantic who had been added accidentally by Waltz.

Oh,💩.

The chat even had a cutesy name: “Houthi PC small group”.

On this group chat, Hegseth let everyone know that the US was planning to drop some bombs on the Houthis. And J.D. was like, “Hmm, I disagree with Daddy on this one but I’m gonna keep that to myself and go along with the group. I’ll pray for us.” That’s when Stephen Miller was like, “I already talked to Daddy and he said it’s go. I speak for him, so everybody else pipe down.” Marco was lurking in the background waiting to see what happened, and once Pete was like, “They’re dead, yo. Beer me!” Marco let his presence be known and weighed in with a hearty congratulations to Pete and his team. Both Waltz and Witkoff dropped some cringey emojis: fists, fire, biceps, and praying hands. Susie said, “God bless.” Yeah, I’m sure God is real happy with this group chat right now.