Be My Valentine...
For those of you who don’t know, I used to write a blog also called People I Want to Punch in the Throat. It was kind of popular back in the old days. This originally appeared on the blog in 2012. It’s an oldie but a goodie. I tried to convince Tina Fey to be my Valentine. You’ll never guess what happened.
Valentine's Day is here and I should be writing a heartfelt post about the Hubs. I've done that already and then he responded and then I responded and now I'm just bored by all of that.
Instead, I will send out a very special Valentine to the person I think could possibly be my soul mate. I imagine us taking long walks together, laughing over deli sandwiches, cracking ourselves up making fun of Sarah Palin, having playdates with our kids, working together to make sure our daughters don't grow up to be Queen Bees or Wanna Bees, and sharing our love/hate relationship with mom jeans. This person would complete me.
The problem is, my secret Valentine doesn't know I exist. So I decided to write a letter and since I've had some decent luck with my letters getting in the right hands, I thought I'd take a shot again. So here goes....
Dear Tina Fey,
I adore you. Not in a creepy I want to wear your skin like a Snuggie kind of way, just in a major non-lesbian girl crush sort of way (although I'm cool with lesbians and if you wanted to try that I could probably be talked into it, but only by you).
We could be friends, girl. I know it. I feel it. You and I definitely think alike on so many levels. I read that you wrote an anonymous satirical column in your high school newspaper. Hello....what do you think I'm doing right now? True, I'm a bit older than a high school student, but it's still cool that we have that in common don't you think? Your byline was The Colonel. I'm thinking of changing mine to The Jeneral ( the "Jeneral" with a "J" - an homage to you and a play on my name - get it??)
I promise if we ever went to lunch we wouldn't need to talk about writing. I'd just buy you lunch and ask you to make fun of everyone in the room. If you said yes, I'd fly to New York tomorrow and take you to lunch! Have you been to TGIFridays? It's a special place for me and I'd like to share it with you too.
Come on, stranger things have happened! Did you see that story about the Pittsburgh Steeler player who met a random fan for lunch and ended up spending all Super Bowl weekend together hanging out? That could be us! They worked out together, they ate several meals together, they attended a party together, and had massages together. I would be happy to do all of that except the workout part, let's just get massages twice. They're BFFs now and we could be too.
Seriously, Tina, I admire you and what you've accomplished. You are truly the funniest person in all of show business. Not the funniest woman—the funniest person. I read Bossypants and it inspired me to start working on my own memoir. Once I get it done, I'll send it to you. I know you'll be on pins and needles until it arrives. It's worth the wait, I promise.
So, here it is, my Valentine message to you, Tina. I want you in my life. I need you in my life. Men come and go, but our friendship could be forever.
Lots of love,
Your number one fan,
The Jeneral
After this was published in 2012, it started going viral, and then I really thought, “Maybe I have a legit chance to meet Tina!” So, I decided begging wasn’t beneath me and I added this:
OK, readers, I need your help to get my Valentine into Tina's hands. Do you have a cousin whose neighbor is related to a guy who used to work in the next cubicle over from a woman who met a limo drive who once drove Tina's assistant to pick up her dry cleaning? Send this to your cousin! Maybe you don't even have that close of a connection. It's OK, because YOUR circle might, so go ahead and share it, tweet it, mail it, send it by carrier pigeon. Use your six degrees of separation to its fullest potential. Surely, we can get this to Tina. When I have lunch with her I'll tell her all about you and how much you love her too.
And then my friends at HuffPo got in on the action and tried to help me.
UPDATE: Huffington Post is trying to help me make my dream a reality. Late this afternoon they picked up my letter and published it on their site. I don't kid myself that Tina might actually read this blog, but there is a real good chance she reads HP. Please check it out and leave a comment on HP about how much you love Tina too. Together we can do this!
Alas, Tina never got in touch with me. BUT I do think she tried to send me a message a bit later.
I think Tina is trying to communicate with me through her show. Check it out.
I love Tina Fey. For Halloween I dressed up as her playing Sara Palin, suit, red heels, flag pin, a moose and a water gun as props. Hope you meet her Jen!