Chapter: My Kids Don't Know Internet Me

AKA Why my kids need therapy

Some form of this post will eventually be included in Living with People I Want to Punch in the Throat. It is unedited and in rough draft form.

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I have a confession to make. I am writing this in October and I still have a few Christmas decorations on my mantle that I didn’t put away last year. We’re so close to Christmas again, that there’s no way I’m putting them away now.

Except.

Adolpha has made a new friend. We’ll call him Rolf. She wanted Rolf to come over to the house to meet me and the Hubs.

“Can we put away the elves, please?” Adolpha asked.

“The elves?” I repeated, confused.

She motioned to the mantle in the living room. I counted four elves in various poses on the mantle. Choppy, our original elf was stradling a candle. Elva, our second elf was sitting up straight, with her feet dangling over the edge. And the other two (who still have no names) were posed together in an R-rated tableau—teenagers are fun!

When Gomer hit ten or so, he quit believing so he started helping me move the elves. He lasted a full 24 hours and gave up because it was “hard.” No shit.