Chapter: When Adolpha Met Her Aunt Flow

Some form of this post will eventually be included in Living with People I Want to Punch in the Throat. It is unedited and in rough draft form.

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Growing up in the 80s, I got all my sex ed from Judy Blume and Jackie Collins. Judy taught me how to increase my bust and Jackie taught me that men’s pants have a hard time containing throbbing members. For a while there, I thought maybe men needed to seek out help from a doctor—or a tailor.

Judy also taught me about getting my first period. Even by the 1980s, her books were a little outdated, so the idea of putting on a belt and a sanitary napkin blew my mind. I literally looked at the braided leather belt I wore for school and the good napkins my mom used when we ate in the dining room and tried to figure out how in the fuck I was supposed to make some kind of diaper thing. These were the things that kept me up at night.

If we were in therapy right now, we’d blame my parents—particularly, my mom, because I was not ready for Aunt Flow’s first visit. I’ve already written about that horrifically funny experience so I won’t bore you with the details. I’ll just say that I’m still a little scarred.

That’s why I decided that when it was Adolpha’s turn to meet her Aunt, I’d do better. I wanted that girl OVER-educated about her changing body. I wanted her to be open and honest about what was happening and not be embarrassed. I think I overdid it.