Don't Worry, I'm a Doctor
You don't even need a spleen.
I don’t really hang out a lot on Reddit. Frankly, it’s a little intimidating because people will fuck you up on there for not following the proper rules. There’s an etiquette for each subreddit (subreddits are like old message boards or chat rooms back in the dawn of the internet) and I can’t learn them all. Especially when there are boards for everything from grannies who skydive and knit to people who own black dachshunds (Get out brown dachshunds-owners. You have your own group!) to boobs. (Yeah, there are pictures of boobs all over Reddit.)
But I do read one section every now and again and it’s the AITA subreddit. AITA stands for Am I The Asshole?
It’s always a great place to find some abhorrent behavior. Sometimes the asshole is the original poster (OP) and sometimes it’s someone else. Either way, you can be guaranteed there will always be an asshole.
There’s a post that I’ve seen people talking about but I never had the chance actually to sit down and read it. Today was the day and boy, am I sad I put it off for so long!
Now, the original post has been deleted. Maybe because it was fake or maybe because it got too hot for the OP to handle. Hard to say. But we’re going to proceed like it was 100% legit.
The post was written by a man who says he gets mad when his wife doesn’t introduce him as a pilot. It’s gotten so bad that he’s considering divorcing her (even though, according to him, everything else in their marriage is fine.)
Okay, well, that does seem kind of odd. Why wouldn’t she introduce him as a pilot? You would introduce a doctor as a doctor or a lawyer as a lawyer or teacher as a teacher. Already, I’m on his side.
Current verdict: His wife is the asshole.
He says that as long as they’ve been married he works as a manager of a fast-food restaurant chain.
Oh, well, now I’m kind of confused. How can you be a pilot when you’re managing a restaurant?
Current verdict: I’m wavering. I have lots of questions.
He wrote, “I am an extremely passionate aviation enthusiast in my free time. I have spent thousands of dollars on flight textbooks, sim gear, and even built my own a330 setup.”
I don’t know what the fuck any of that means, but I didn’t see the part where he said, “I fly planes!”
Current verdict: I’m still undecided. I need to know more.
What is an aviation enthusiast? Maybe he’s a part-time pilot who takes his plane up as often as he can. I mean, that’s “pilot-esque.” But I still don’t see “I fly planes” anywhere so far.
Current verdict: I’m beginning to think I might have judged his wife too quickly.
He wrote, “I’ve never actually flown a plane or started flight training, but I have considered it for a long time.”
I’m sorry. What? He’s considering being a pilot? I’m considering being a doctor but no one is going to let me perform surgery or deliver a baby (on purpose).
I know writers who have bylines and books on shelves and still feel odd about calling themselves “author” and this dude is like, “I have the flight controls” because he read a book about flying.
Current verdict: Bro, I’m beginning to think the call is coming from inside the house.
But wait. It gets even better!
He goes on, “Even though my skills are not a career, I still consider myself adept or possibly more knowledgable than the average pilot.”
Current verdict: No. GTFO. You’re the asshole. 1000000% you’re the asshole. I don’t even need to read more, but I will just because his whiny rant is giving me life and confidence. Hand me a scalpel! Don’t worry. There are so many extra organs you don’t even need! I’ll start with your gallbladder and go from there.
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Ladies, remember when I told you to have the confidence of a mediocre white man?
THIS IS the man I was talking about!
Apply for that job that requires 10 years of experience when you only have 8. Ask for that raise even though you only work over-time twice a week! Try roofing your house after watching a YouTube video! If this man is a pilot, you can captain a ferry boat!
I was so confused at this point. Why did he ever think his wife would introduce him as a pilot? He’s a restaurant manager! Nothing wrong with that job. In some ways it’s similar to a pilot. He is responsible for the health and safety of hundreds of people every day who cycle through his establishment. Food poisoning is no joke! He needs to watch the clock. No one wants to wait too long for service. His staff is over-worked and under-paid and has to deal with unruly patrons even though that wasn’t in the job description. (I’m looking at you, Waffle House Wendy.")
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[If you’re reading this on mobile or on the app, it doesn’t support TikTok videos yet. So, here’s a link to what the desktop readers could see.]
Where is this insanity coming from, Bud? I’m so confused.
And then I kept reading and figured out what was really going on. His wife is a “Senior Software Tech.” I don’t what that means, exactly, but I’m going to guess it’s impressive to techy people. The wife got a new job a couple of years ago and the husband has never met her co-workers until now. There was a BBQ and that’s where the shit hit the fan, and he asked strangers on the internet to judge him before he started researching divorce attorneys.
The BBQ started out bad and went to worse. The “Pilot” was talking to his wife’s co-workers and quickly realized no one knew about him. He was like, “WTF? Does she not talk about me?” And then the wife’s work-husband asked the real husband what he does for a living, but before he could answer the wife cut off his balls and said he was merely a fast-food restaurant manager with “some benefits.” He was like, “What’s that? Code for free food?” Don’t forget unlimited refills, Boo Boo.
The husband was pissed and he wasn’t having it. He tried to snatch his balls back and said, “Well, actually, I’m a pilot.”
I’m guessing this is when everyone was like, “Umm…sure. Hey, I need to pee. Catch you later.”
The husband felt disrespected because his wife “knows how insecure” he is about his real job.
AHHHH. THERE IT IS.
Finally! You should have led with that, sir. “Am I an asshole because I’m insecure?” I mean, we all knew, but we were just waiting for you to say it out loud.
And, you guys, he wasn’t done! He kept going:
“I’ve earned the title of pilot…”
Earned? That’s a strong word, but go on.
“…through my 500+ hours on and sim and thousands of dollars put into my craft. Just because I don’t have the title of pilot on an overpriced piece of paper doesn’t mean I’m not a pilot.”
OHHHH. This is a financial thing? I get it. The pilot paperwork is expensive and he’s saving the family money. Even though he’s mentioned at least twice in his post the THOUSANDS of dollars he’s invested in his aviation enthusiasm shit.
I don’t get it. Just finish it! I live very close to a regional airport where there is always a banner at the front announcing flying lessons for a couple hundred bucks an hour. Why not take the 500+ hours and thousands of dollars of knowledge and get real lessons and be a pilot? I know teenagers who have their pilot’s license, so it can’t be that expensive or time-consuming. What is the real problem here? What is keeping this man from getting into a cockpit? There is more he isn’t telling us. But I’m going to go out on a limb and say his mom introduces him as “My son, the pilot.”
The ride home from the BBQ was intense. A fight ensued. I bet he was like, “You embarrassed me!” And the wife was like, “You’re not a professional pilot!” And he was like, “Don’t be insensitive to the work I’ve done! You could never understand how much I’ve studied!” And she snorted and said, “Okay.”
As I said before, I’m not sure what the wife’s job is like, but I did a quick Google and she had to study a bit. I think 500+ hours of work on flying sounds like a lot, but I’m going to guess learning how to code probably takes more than a weekend.
The post ended with him saying “Am I really the asshole for asking to be respected?”
Final verdict: Roger.
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This post gave me life today Jen. The husband has so much fragile dick energy, I want the wife to divorce him on principal and say that carrying around his massive ego was too exhausting to continue with the marriage. I am tired for her.
I have a virtual reality headset therefore I must be a pilot! I will be letting my husband know ASAP to change my title 🤣🤣🤔🤔