Hey Princess Kate,

You Good??

Photo by Church of the King on Unsplash

Hey Princess Kate, You good?

What the hell is going on over there in your palace? I get that you’re a real person and you’re entitled to privacy and all that, but it’s getting insane out here. It would be great if you could just go out on that big balcony and wave to everyone. Sure, they’ll also need you to give a drop of your blood so they can test the DNA and make sure it’s you and not a lookalike. And, of course, there will be professional “body language interpreters” who will decide if you’re being held against your will when you’re cold towards the Prince, and what that closed fist really means. And, of course, it still won’t be enough to quell the absolutely mind-boggling rumors that are flying around. But it’s a start!

Here’s the thing. You guys kind of did this to yourselves. For instance, when that ambulance left Sandringham after Christmas, it would have been a good time to be like, “Listen, the Princess has some tummy troubles. We’re taking her to the hospital because she has excellent medical coverage and we’re going to fix her up.”

Instead, a few days later your office put out a weird memo that didn’t even mention the ambulance. But it did talk a lot about a “planned abdominal surgery” (even though you had some important things coming up on your calendar that would probably not have been scheduled had you really planned your surgery). The memo stated that you’d be out of commission until Easter.

Damn, girl. You really DO have great medical coverage. That’s a ridiculous amount of time off from work. Good for you!

Now, I know we’re not even to Easter yet but the internet is Worried with a capital W. You haven’t even stuck your head out the front door to give the world a thumbs up! Meanwhile, just mere hours after you’d pushed a human through your royal hooha, you put on mesh panties, fixed your face, and stepped outside the hospital to give everyone a happy family photo op.

Do you see how that’s what the world expects now? I know it’s fucked up. I don’t make the rules. You guys started with the bar that high and now everyone just wants that.