Hobbies for Middle-Aged Women
A Complete List for People Who Talk About Hobbies But Never Do Them
If you know anything about me, you know I looooove TikTok. At first, I was like, “I’m never joining TikTok because I don’t need another social media channel to try and grow! Also, I’m a bad dancer!”
Silly me, I thought TikTok was all about dancing teenagers. But finally, I was so bored one day I made an account and joined TikTok. I am happy to say that I never see dancing teenagers. I see young men who call themselves “cougar hunters” who wouldn’t know what to do if a cougar showed up naked at his door. I see lots of lesbian thirst traps that make me question my sexuality. I watch men chop wood because apparently, I have a lumberjack kink I didn’t know about. It’s not all smut, though. I also learn about weird historical facts that were never taught in school. I follow sciencey people who try and help me understand the universe. I love the mediation shit because they’re on a timer, they have to super fast and get to the point quick. I like some of the book recommendations, but I really need some women who are older than 23 to make BookToks so I can find a few books that don’t have alien sex in them. (Don’t get me wrong, I love the alien sex books, too, but sometimes I need a palate cleanser.) I’ve also found lots and lots of middle-aged women (and a few good men) on TikTok as well who make content I can relate to. They do really interesting and elaborate videos that look cool, but I have no idea how to do that. So, I just sit on my porch with my dog and I talk (rant, mostly).
One day, I sat on my porch and complained I didn’t have any hobbies.
The comments were gold. Did I get a lot of good advice? No. But did I have a lot of fun reading them? Hell yes.
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Actually, there were some pretty good ideas in there and I thought I’d compile them for you here so maybe you can find a new hobby too!
Drinking was very popular. Mostly wine and vodka with a few coffee drinkers thrown in to balance out the day drinkers.
I was chastised for speaking ill of the good hobby of knitting. I’ve been told that knitting is very zen and it’s good for the mental health. Pardon me, knitters. Crocheting was also suggested as an easier form of knitting. And the cross-stitchers came out in force. I learned that you can cross-stitch swear words. I think I will try that. I get to stab something and cuss. Sounds like heaven.
Gardening and plants. A few people claimed to be good at this hobby, but many said rather than growing plants, their hobby is to accidentally kill them. All of my plants are plastic for this very reason.
A certain plant was mentioned that can only be a hobby in certain states. That person NEVER kills those plants but they do enjoy raising them.
Crafting, but not competitively. Handmade cards (that you can send to other middle-aged ladies), diamond art (that sounds expensive), refinishing furniture (a hobby that pays), stained glass (you get to break shit), painting rocks, building and decorating dollhouses were all mentioned as good times.
For just as many crafters out there, there were twice as many who like to buy all the crafting supplies and then never use them. That, too, is considered a hobby.
And it’s not just the crafters buying everything. Many commenters mentioned researching and planning for a new hobby but never doing it even after they bought all the supplies. I feel like this is more of a hobby for the dudes. Admit it, ladies, who has an unused homebrewing kit in their basement right now? Remember that craze?
Napping was high on the list. I don’t know about me, but my husband has definitely embraced napping as a great hobby he practices daily.
Eating. I may not be good at napping, but I excel at eating as a hobby. As long as I don’t have to cook the food I’m eating. Cooking and baking are fine hobbies, but they aren’t for me. Eating is my hobby!
Conspiracy theories. Hello! I’ve been into conspiracy theories since my middle-school history teacher told us about the assassination of John F. Kennedy and the “magic bullet” theory. I’m not saying I believe these theories, but I love to see what’s out there. I do draw the line at Q Anon, though. I don’t think there’s a child trafficking operation in the basement of a DC pizzeria. That shit is nuts.
Buy stuff and either return it or let it expire and throw it out. I am the president of my local chapter of this club. I currently have black bananas on my counter. But soon I’ll add them to the 20 lbs of frozen black bananas in my freezer to await the day they can be used to make banana bread. Question: Ask me how many times I’ve made banana bread in my life? Answer: 0 times. Follow-up Question: Do I like banana bread? Answer: Fuck no.
In the same vein: buy ingredients to cook something elaborate and healthy and then order take-out.
There were some physical activities mentioned even though I said I wasn’t interested in sporting. Apparently, kayaking is easy because you sit the whole time, fishing is good because you just stand, and electric bikes will drag your ass up a hill without you pedaling. I like porch sitting as my outdoor/physical hobby. I rock so that uses my legs and I get fresh air.
One person said, “Decorate for every holiday like it’s the last, try new recipes, and plan vacations.” Mom? Is that you??!!
Go to work. Is that my boss??
Pets were a big one. Dogs, cats, fish, and even butterflies were mentioned. Stan the Mann does not feel like a hobby, he feels like a chore. Like a chore that I like a lot—similar to how I feel about taking care of my kids.
Helping other people came up a lot. There are some real do-gooders out there. I’m glad because that’s not my gift.
Reading. Duh. This is my biggest hobby. I do it more than eating, even. Also, audiobooks absolutely count as reading. I will not hear any arguments for this fact. One might think books are the only thing that can be read, but I’ve been told that TikTok comments sections are quite entertaining as well. This makes my author's heart die a little but my TikTok brain is like, “I’ll try it!”
Listen to podcasts. The nice thing about podcasts is you can do two hobbies at once! Pull out your serene paint-by-number project and listen to a murder podcast. Knit while you listen to a conspiracy theory podcast. Bake while you listen to my all-time favorite podcast “My Dad Wrote a Porno.” What, did you think I’d say my favorite was “No Pants Required with Jen Mann”? That’s my second favorite.
Watch Netflix and/or TikTok. Why not both? With closed captions, you won’t miss a thing!
Hang out on a bench at Wal-Mart and people-watch. This is my plan for retirement, actually. I’m saving it. (Side note, I was in LA and I told a crazy story about Walmart and at the end of my insane story, the man said, “I’m sorry, you lost me when you said you were grocery shopping in Walmart. That’s a thing?”)
Play something. The Xbox and ukelele made the list. Both sound like something Gomer would do, so it would be a win-win, we could hang out together and have similar hobbies!
Witchcraft. I have no idea what this means, but I’m interested in learning more. Especially if I can hex someone. Can hexing be a hobby? I think I’d like that one.
Looking for lost things. Trying to remember where one left their glasses, wallets, and car keys can be a full-time hobby for some. I might not know where my wallet is, but I always know where my car tweezers are.
Smashing the patriarchy. I have time. Where do I sign up?