I Got Scammed So You Don't Have To

You're welcome

Photo by Yosuke Ota on Unsplash

Okay, if you own a large social media platform of any kind I have a story for you. Gather round, children, because this one is long and scary and makes me look kind of stupid. But because I was stupid, you won’t be.

It all started way back in April when I received an email from this guy, Luke, telling me he was a booker for a podcast that is hosted by two comedians. [I am not going to call out the podcast or name them, because I am 10000% positive that they had nothing to do with this.] He said they’d like to get me on the show and asked about my availability.

Now, some of you might think this was red flag number one. So did I. So did I. So, I Googled the podcast. It was legit. I Googled the guy’s name. It was legit. The email address looked legit. Everything seemed fine.

I get invited to be on all kinds of podcasts, but one hosted by comedians didn’t raise a red flag with me. It wasn’t like they were reaching out from a podcast about conservative values. Shit, even conservatives reach out because they’d like to fight. What I’m trying to say is that as a middle-aged humor writer, a podcast hosted by two middle-aged comedians seemed like a natural fit. Well played, hackers.

So, I said, “I’m interested…”

I was also told that the podcast had a sponsorship and they were paying guests.

Again, this might have been a red flag under normal circumstances, but I’ve been paid for weirder shit. They said that KFC was the sponsor and they’d pay me $5,000 to be a guest. Again, not an outrageous number for a brand to pay. Also, I’ve talked about being paid by KFC before. I know that they like off-beat comedy and I was paid a lot more by them to “pick my brain,” so it seemed cool. Also, also, at that time I was lamenting publicly that I had to buy an insulin pump for my kid. Guess how much an insulin pump costs?

Ding, ding, ding.

Fuck you, hackers, you’re so fucking sneaky. You played me like a fiddle.

Of course, I wanted that 5K!

After that, I pretty much ignored every Spidey Sense I had because I wanted to pay for that insulin pump. Don’t be stupid like me, kids. Listen to your gut and TRUST IT.

So, I said, “Yes, sign me up. I’m all in.”

Over the next few months we went back and forth over email. We both dropped the ball a few times and couldn’t get our schedules to match up, but between the two of us, we kept reconnecting. I apologized for being a hot mess because I was distracted by family stuff. He said he understood and told me the show was flexible. They needed guests all the time.

And then I did the first of the dumbest things I’ve ever done. I followed up with HIM! I got the bill for that damn pump and I was like, “Oh yeah, I need to go get that KFC podcast money! Where’s that guy’s email?”

As soon as he had me on the line, he hooked me HARD. He was like, “Oh, great, let’s get you scheduled for next week.”

My Spidey Senses tingled: reddish flag. Usually, a podcast is booked out for several weeks, but I thought maybe they tape a bunch at once. When Denise and I used to co-host a podcast, we’d get together and tape 4 shows at a time. I thought maybe these people did that too.

I put Tuesday on my schedule and he asked me if I had a Facebook account because the show is live streamed on FB and YouTube. I said, Duh. He was like, Oh, you have a personal account. You need a page. Do you have a page?

Bro, I have SEVERAL pages.

He was like, COOL.

We went back and forth trying to set up a Zoom call so he could do a “technical rundown.” Again, this wasn’t a huge red flag, because lots of times when I’m on shows they want to have a Zoom prior so that they can make sure I’m not a technical idiot and everything will work smoothly on the day of. It took a few emails back and forth with scheduling and reschudling but we finally got a date picked.

It was yesterday.

He sent me a Zoom link, which is standard for the creator of the meeting. I got on the Zoom and the next reddish flag popped up. The guy didn’t turn on his camera. But I figured he was probably not like me. I turn my camera on for everything! I like to look people in the eye, but during Covid no one wanted to show their faces. Either they weren’t wearing pants or they were in bed or they were at the beach, it wasn’t my business. So I got used to speaking to so many black screens, it didn’t seem that odd. It was annoying, but not crazy. I turned off my ring light and didn’t turn on my camera either.

He was very polite and helpful. We went over what we’d talk about on the show. This was the ego moment. At this point I’d been in it for the money but now he was like, Oh, it’s exciting to have you on. It will be a free-flowing conversation where you’ll talk about your journey and your books and what you’re doing next. It will be a great! Blah, blah, blah.

I was like, Yeah, it sounds fun. I’m excited. Blah, blah, blah.

Fuck you, for making me feel pretty.

And that’s when he asked me if I had ever joined a Facebook Live Event. I said I had not. He asked me to open my page and go in and see if I had a button that allowed me to join live events. I told him that I only had a button that allowed me to create events. He was like, “Hmm…it should be there. I guess it’s not surprising since you’ve never joined before. No worries. I can walk you through the set up.” [I have now decided this was the first thing I fell for. I would be shocked if I found out this “Join Live Events” button or what ever actually exists. I think this was the ruse he used to get me to start making changes.] He started giving me instructions and I was moving slow, trying to figure out where he wanted me to click and shit and he finally suggested nicely, “Perhaps you could share your screen and I can help you better?”

Again, not an unusual request. I’ve shared my screen many times with people and never thought twice about it. I was told later by my teenagers that this was my fatal flaw. I let the wolf into the chicken house. I invited him. He didn’t have to hack me or guess a password, he just had to ask nicely and I welcomed his “help.”

He started moving fast at this point, he was telling me to click this and that. Turn this on and turn that off. I just blindly followed along, because:

1. I’m an idiot.

2. $5,000.

Fuck you, again, you piece of shit.

At one point, I was going back and forth between my Professional Dashboard and my Meta Business Suite. There was something he pointed out called the Business Portfolio. I will admit, I don’t do much in Business Suite and it all looked like gibberish to me. There was a business portfolio called TPM Media and it indicated that my husband had created it a few years ago. This isn’t weird either, because he does more with that side of Facebook than I ever have. The guy said something like, “Oh, there’s your problem. You need to put all your assets in that business portfolio.”

[When the Hubs and I were going down the rabbit hole last night to figure out what happened, he saw that TPM Media had just been created. The Hubs did not create it, which made sense when I thought about it because TPM stands for Throat Punch Media. Why would he call it Throat Punch Media Media?? I’m guessing that as I was distracted clicking away, the dude created this portfolio.] And then he proceeded to tell me how to do that. This was the nail in the coffin. I moved every single one of my pages into that business portfolio. Once I did that, it was over.

He also told me to create a “data set” or something called LIVE PAID EVENTS. This was the back door he made. He told me I had to give this entity full control so that I could join the podcast. He had me demote the other admins to moderators. LIVE PAID EVENTS was connected to my email, though, so it didn’t seem suspicious. I got an email and I approved it. I don’t know what happened, but HE took over LIVE PAID EVENTS and I had already demoted myself and the Hubs to moderators with little to no power.

Before we hung up, we talked about my payment. He said he could send a wire transfer, he just needed my bank info.

That DID send up a red flag. I am not dumb enough (yet) to give out my bank info. I was like, “No, I can invoice you through PayPal.”

Can you imagine if I’d given him bank info???

He said it would be 24 hours or so for my request to join live paid events would be approved and he’d check in with me the following day to see how it’s going and we’d get the payment squared away. He gave me a WhatsUp number to call if I had any problems.

I fucking thanked him for his help. I hope that motherfucker gets IBS.

It wasn’t 30 minutes later that I received an email FROM MY OWN EMAIL address saying that someone named Ahtisham Aslam joined TPM Media.

The Hubs was like, “What did you do, Jen?”

Now, because I’m super duper medicated these days, I’m nice as pie. So, I still thought there had to be a reasonable explanation. I was like, “Let me text him on WhatsApp and see what he says.” I sent a screen shot and I asked him who Ahtisham was. He was like, “Oh this just means your stuff is live and he can follow you.”

What the fuck does that even mean??

So then I called him. And he picked up and I was like, “What the fuck, dude? Who is Ahtisham? What did you do?" and he was like, “I told you. He’s just a follower.”

What the fuck are you talking about???

And then he pulled the old, “Hello? Can you hear me? Hello? Are there? Hello? I think the connection is—” and the line went dead. That’s when every cell in my body filled with absolute dread.

WHAT THE FUCK HAD I DONE?

I tried to call him again. No answer, of course. So, I texted him and let him know he’s a piece of shit. And then the Hubs and I got to work trying to figure out how we could save anything.

But we couldn’t save it because Ahtisham the Piece of Shit had put all of my assets under one umbrella and coached me on how to make myself the sole Administrator without realizing that HE was now ME. It’s confusing AF. I know. I barely understand it. From what I can tell, the pages still look like they’re administered by me and I’m still receiving emails with updates. Like, for instance, when Bilal Khan was added about an hour ago. A big fuck you to Bilal the Bastard, as well. To any outsider, it looks like I’m in control but I am not.

They started with I JUST WANT TO PEE ALONE last night and changed it to some spammy news site. Please don’t click on anything they share, because who knows what shit they have.

This morning it was PEOPLE I WANT TO PUNCH IN THE THROAT and this afternoon they took control of YOU KNOW IT HAPPENS AT YOUR HOUSE TOO.

JEN MANN, AUTHOR is still in their portfolio, but they haven’t done anything to it yet. I also assume they have access to my Instagram since Meta is an incestuous fuck and once you get into one asset, you get them all.

This is where the problem lies. The fact that everything is so interconnected and you only need the Business Suite and a business portfolio to control all of the assets is a nightmare scenario. This guy didn’t have to guess my password and two-step authentication didn’t matter, because he walked me through putting in a back door so he could come in and swipe everything.

This was a long con. He’s been working on me since April. Everything looked legit. For the most part. Now that I know what I know, I can spot some weird things that should have stood out to me, but didn’t. I blame my lack of attention these days. Here’s what should have tipped me off:

1. The email looked legit. It was from a legit company with the name of a legit employee of a company that I could find. BUT the signature block didn’t have a phone number. How many bookers/PR reps, etc. don’t put their phone numbers in their signatures? That should have been a tip off to me.

2. At the end he did give me a WhatsApp number but I’ve been told that those are very suspect and no legit business person uses that as their point of contact.

3. His emails didn’t have any misspellings or strange punctuation, but they were incredibly formal and polite. Too formal and polite for someone supposedly representing a comedy podcast. I should have taken more notice of that.

4. Even though he gave me a lot of time to schedule and reschedule and then reschedule again, as soon as I said I was ready, he jumped on me quick. Too quick. He was like, “Let’s get on Zoom tomorrow and go over the technical stuff.” For a guy who had been so busy up until then, it was too soon. He was too eager at that moment and I should have recognized that.

5. With all the rescheduling I did, it was too easy for him to always find me a slot in the next 7 days. Normal podcasts/interviews don’t work like that. There’s rarely an opening that soon. I should have paid attention.

6. Get a contract. I think it moved so slow and then so fast that I was confused and didn’t get a chance to get a contract. If someone is paying me money, I want a contract. I should have pumped the brakes and been like, “Send me a contract.” At least, that would have given me a breather and maybe the “contract” he would have fabricated might have had some more tip-offs.

7. When he didn’t turn on his camera on Zoom I should have known he wasn’t shy. He was hiding something. His lying ugly fucking face.

8. I will never screen share with anyone again.

9. I will never let someone “walk me through” any sort of technical thing. I will Google that shit and do it myself.

10. Double check, triple check. The next time I get some random email inviting me to anything, I’m going to call every phone number I can find, go to every Reddit page out there, and ask everyone for their advice before I even say, “Thanks for the email.”

11. Beware of someone who knows every single button or trigger you might have. This guy was good. He’d done his research and he knew what I wanted/needed and believed. He knew how to get me to go willingly. I never even questioned him. Ironically, I gave Hallmark more shit than I gave this guy. A few years ago Hallmark sent me a random email asking to collaborate and I was like, “Nice try, Scammer. Hallmark would NEVER want to work with me. They’re way too square.”

These guys are very sophisticated and know what they’re doing. They are fast-talkers and keep you thinking ahead rather than questioning what you just did. I would stop to read some of the notices or disclaimers that popped up when I was making these changes and he’d say, “Don’t worry about that. It doesn’t apply.” I read enough to know they didn’t make a difference but just the fact that he kept me moving rather than thinking helped him accomplish his goal.

I have no idea what happens now. Ahtisham the Piece of Shit and Bilal the Bastard now have control over all my pages and several of my private groups. A lot of people have been asking what they can do to help me. First of all, thank you. Second of all, do you know someone at Facebook? I need a human being.

Last night I filed a case with FB Support right away and sent all of the information they requested. I don’t know what they’ll do, assuming they even look at it. Facebook is really the only ones who can fix this. They can see the whole history of what was done. They can see that I was the one who has owned these pages for over a decade. But I don’t know if they’ll care. Especially if these assholes monetize the pages and start pushing out spam. Faceboook will be happy to get their money.

That brings me to the next thing you can do, DON’T CLICK on anything they share. I have no idea if it’s safe and they’ll probably get paid for every click. Reporting them is great. I have received lots of notifications that the pages and the content have been reported. Someone asked if that would be bad for me in the long run. I don’t care. If reporting gets those pages away from them but they’re still lost to me, I’m okay with that. I just don’t want them to have them. Last night I still had a chance to delete the pages and I should have done it. Had I known what I know now, I totally would have. I still thought there was a chance I could get them back.

I’m trying to decide what to do now. Do I rebuild? Do I start over? Do I take this as a sign from the Universe that Facebook is dead to me? Do I try something new? I am reluctant to start over at Facebook because their security sucks and this whole thing is crazy to me. It took me 13 years to build that platform and in one hour it all disappeared. I’ve made so much money for Facebook by entertaining thousands of people and keeping them on their site and now I feel abandoned by them.

I have no idea what the future holds. Looks like I have a lot more time to write here, so be sure to subscribe!

And, I really, really, really, really hope Ahtisham and Bilal know how much I hate them. I hope they get ass cancer and punched in the throat. I hope their dicks shrivel up and fall off and cats play with them until they disintegrate. I hope they trip and fall and knock out all their front teeth. I hope they get food poisoning and explosive diarrhea on a crowded public bus. I hope every bird that ever flies over them shits on them—preferably in their eyes and mouths. I hope that no one ever falls for their bullshit again and they have to get real jobs. That’s the thing, guys, you’re clearly smart as fuck. Go get a REAL JOB, you motherfuckers.