I "Have" to Go to Mexico

Can you tell I'm bummed?

In October Gomer told me about the “Senior Trip” in Mexico and asked if we could go. At first, I checked my email because I was an idiot and I thought this trip was sponsored by the school or something. Silly me. It’s not like that at all. It’s really just a bunch of seniors and their parents going to Mexico for their last high school spring break.

At first, I was like, “No way, Jose” because I’m not a dummy. I’ve been a teenager on Spring Break. I’ve been there, done that, and have the t-shirt to prove it. I know what kind of shenanigans happens on Spring Break. BUT I’d never gone with my MOM before.

“Why do I need to go?” I asked.

“Because the resort won’t let us come without a guardian,” he said.

Ahhh. The resorts have gotten smarter than they were back in the 90s.

“We’ll have to share a room,” I said.

“Obviously,” Gomer said, rolling his eyes.

“You’ll have a curfew,” I said.

“Really?” He wasn’t happy, but he didn’t argue.

“And I know you’ll legally be allowed to drink there. Don’t be a stupid drunk. No one likes that guy. And, if you puke in our room, you clean it up,” I said.

“Deal.”

“Now we have to tell Dad we’re going to Mexico without him,” I said.

I have my reasons for leaving the Hubs and Adolpha home. First of all, the Hubs would want to go sightseeing. He’d drag us to see ruins and shit while Gomer and I just want to sit on a beach, drink frozen drinks, and relax. The Hubs would not be cool with Gomer acting like a fool and let’s face it, at some point on this trip, he’s going to act like a fool. Not that I’m cool with that, but I’m a lot more patient than the Hubs. The boy is 18 now and we’re walking that fine line of letting him fuck up and keeping him from fucking up too much. In a year he’ll go on Spring Break and we’ll be lucky if he tells us where he’s going. I figure I’ve got one last chance to drill some sense into him.

Also, for the last year Adolpha’s health has been in question and the last thing I needed was an emergency situation in Cancun. There’s no one else who can stay home with her (and Stan). I took the girl to Orlando last month as a consolation prize. I think she’s doing all right.

Because I haven’t been to Mexico in about 35 years, I decided I needed to do some research. Did you know there’s a Facebook group for everything? There’s a Facebook group for our resort with people who are going to visit, have already visited, or are visiting right now. They’re answering all of the important questions like:

“What kind of liquor does the minibar have?”

“What are the towels like?”

“Anyone want to share a cab from the airport?”

I haven’t asked any questions, but I have lurked and taken down all the necessary information.

• I’ve learned that this resort is Pepsi only, which is DEVASTATING. I’m a Coke girl and I was dreaming of Mexican Coke. WTF?

• I am bringing a bunch of small bills because even though it’s all-inclusive you need to tip—often and generously.

• I need to bring Damp Rid because the rooms are really sweaty.

• I need to bring my own floaty for the lazy river because guests swipe the ones that belong to the hotel. WTF??

• I’m still trying to figure out what to do about sunscreen. Damn TSA! Their liquid rules are ruining my packing. There’s travel-sized sunscreen that will work for Gomer, but I’m a delicate fucking flower and I require a special sunscreen that doesn’t come in travel-size. Someone in the group recommended a stick sunscreen and I just ordered that from Amazon. We’ll see if that will do.

• I’ve learned that my beach wardrobe is not ready. I’ve been hanging out at the neighborhood pool too much and not at swanky resorts.

So I had to update all the things. Here’s what I got (affiliate links ahead):

Kimono - You can’t go anywhere but the pool or the beach without a cover-up. I have never been that person who walks around without a cover-up but when I’m at the pool with my kids, I tend to throw on a pair of shorts or something. I wanted something classy for Mexico and I love this one.

Maxi tank dress - I’m not sure if this one has pockets, but it’s definitely cute. And even though I’m at the beach, I’m still going to be wearing black. There is one night the entire group is taking a photo and they want us to wear white. I bought a white dress, but I’m keeping the tags on it because I might have to wash my cat that night and won’t be able to show up. I bought Gomer a nice white shirt, he’ll be our family representative.

Loose jumpsuit - Are you sensing a theme here? I’m a 50-year-old woman going to the beach. I run hot already and Mexico isn’t going to help with those hot flashes. I don’t want anything to touch me and this is perfect.

Swimsuit - I don’t need to chase kids around a baby pool or go down waterslides on this trip. I don’t need my industrial strength swimsuit with all the hooks and straps that keep everything in place when I’m zooming 100 mph down a waterslide and flash the teenage lifeguard at the bottom and scar him for life. This swimsuit is meant for LOUNGING under an umbrella with a good book. That’s all it’s good for. I don’t even know if it can go down the lazy river. It will depend upon how buoyant the girls get.

Hat - If I could have found a bigger hat, I would have bought it. As I said before, I’m a delicate fucking flower. The sun and I do not like one another so you’ll never see me outside without an enormous hat. I have one that I’ve worn for years that’s ridiculously big and floppy, but it’s seen some things. It’s faded and messed up and the sheer size of it embarrasses Gomer, so I decided to downsize and upgrade all at once. Plus, it’s packable.

Beach Bag - I have a big old mesh bag that can hold a billion pool toys, goggles, balls, and more but again, I wanted something classy. I liked the simplicity of this one but then someone reminded me pineapples mean you are a swinger. I might have to take the big old mesh bag.

Compression Cubes - If I can figure out how to pack sunscreen, I want to take a carry-on suitcase and I’m going to need my cubes to make everything fit. I loooooove these. Not just for vacation, but for all the time. They hold a shit ton and they keep everything organized and neat, which is weird for me because usually, I’m a hot mess.

Overnight Bag - Tiktok made me buy it. Normally, I carry a laptop bag as my personal item but since I want to carry on my luggage, I’m going to need a bigger personal item. I saw some travel influencer on Tiktok and she influenced the hell out of me. Well, done, ma’am, collect your money. This bag is expandable and holds A LOT. I took it on a test run to Orlando and I couldn’t even fill it.

Organizer Pouches - My overnight bag is essentially one giant compartment, so I needed pouches to find stuff. These hold my chargers, my pens, and my snacks. I like that I can see through them so when I get hangry, I’m not grabbing a pouch of pens.

Mineral Sunscreen - I’m. A. Delicate. Fucking. Flower.

Floaties - I can’t go down a lazy river without a float. According to the Facebook group these pack well and work great, so we’ll see. I’m leaving them til last. Gotta get my hat in first! Actually, I’m going to put them in Gomer’s bag since I think he’ll use them the most and we all know he’s packing 2 swim trunks, 1 nice shirt, and flip-flops.

Waterproof Kindle - I have a Paperwhite that I love. No more hauling giant books around with me. I can read in all light—or no light. BUT my Paperwhite isn’t waterproof. I’ve been eyeing the waterproof one for a while now and I really want one. Notice I said “want” not “need.” But…my birthday is coming up, I think I could order this and justify it as my birthday present. Right?