Ok, listen to this! The other night Adolpha and I went to our local Ulta to get our eyebrows waxed at the Brow Bar because they do the best with the few scrawny hairs I have left over my eyes (they’ve all migrated to my chin and my nipples).
Anyhoo, the Brow Bar isn’t paying me, so enough about them! So Adolpha went first and she’s up in the chair, chatting away while getting her gloriously thick brows groomed.
“Where do you go to school?” the aesthetician asked as she ripped off part of Adolpha’s eyebrow.
They seemed fine, so I decided I’d wander around the store a little bit until it was my turn to have hot wax poured near one of the most sensitive and necessary parts of my body. (God, women are crazy!) After a few aisles, I found myself in the perfume section. I don’t usually go to the perfume section, but I had time to kill and a signature scent to find, so I started sniffing.
Now the store was pretty full. There were people all around and there was a lot of noise. People were talking and laughing, the salon had blow dryers going, just the usual hustle and bustle so I didn’t notice right away when I heard a security sensor start chirping. I think we’ve become a little immune to them now because how many times have you tried to walk out of a store and the alarms go off for no reason?
I figured someone must have bumped one of the expensive perfumes and set off the alarm. I didn’t pay much attention.
The alarms kept going.
“That’s weird,” I thought. “You’d think a manager would have come over to turn that off by now.”
I continued browsing, unbothered until a young woman came up beside me and said in the sweetest, kindest voice, “Excuse me, please. I just need to grab something.”
“What?” I said, coming out of my perfume-induced haze. “Oh, am I in your way? Sorry about that.”
As I moved out of her way I glanced at the woman. She was wearing a mask over her mouth and nose. That struck me as odd, because around here not too many people are still wearing masks, especially young people. “Aww,” I thought. “There’s a girl who cares about the elderly. I’m an asshole for not wearing my mask tonight. I’m going to start doing better!”
Then I noticed she was carrying a shopping basket and it was practically overflowing with boxes of perfume. “Huh,” I thought. “There must be a clearance rack somewhere that I missed.”
I watched in disbelief as she grabbed several boxes of the super expensive perfume I’d been looking at (that was definitely not on sale) and tossed them into her basket as well. “Wow,” I thought. “Who’s her daddy?”
And then I scolded myself. “Jen! She could be a strong, independent woman who is paying for that shit with her own money!”
She breezed past me and said, “You have a wonderful day.”
“Uh…thank…” I couldn’t even get the “you” out before she blazed a path straight out the front door clutching her basket of goodies.
“But…” I said, watching her go. “How…Did she pay on an app?” I mean, I do that at Sam’s Club. I probably look like I’m stealing steaks and 4 pounds of peanut butter when I just walk out the door without stopping at a cash register.
That’s when I realized it wasn’t just one sensor, there were a lot of sensors squealing and now the sensors by the door were beeping too.
“Hang on,” I said, finally getting the plot. I turned to a nearby employee and asked, “Was that a robbery? Did y’all just get robbed?”
“Yep.” She sighed.
I was shocked. That strong, independent woman sure didn’t need a daddy to pay for that shit. She had it handled.
“We’re not supposed to stop them or draw attention to it because it might upset the customers. We have them on camera. The police finally find them.”
I felt bad. I should have tried to stop her. But I didn’t understand what was happening. I’m really, really slow on the uptake.
“Oh my God,” I thought, glancing at the cameras overhead. “Instead of stopping her, I just moved out of her way and let her have access to some of the most expensive stuff out there! Am I an accomplice?”
“But she was so polite!” I exclaimed. Because in my mind robbers are mean and threatening. They don’t say please and thank you and tell you to have a wonderful day! For a person who hates most people, I really give them the benefit of the doubt and assume everyone is doing the right thing. Deep down, I’m a fucking Pollyanna.
Welp, that very friendly and polite burglar will most likely be caught though. I read an article about high-end perfume brands putting GPS tags into their boxes so the police can catch them even easier than before.
What do you think? I have a feeling when that woman does get caught she’s going to smile nice and big for her mug shot and tell everyone in the jail to have a wonderful day because she was so nice, you guys!
That's hilarious!! Not that the store got robbed, ugh.
Ok, back to the hair comment... I'm in the middle of your latesr, when pray f$%k do the chin hairs turn white! 😬
Our Ulta store in Henderson NV. have all expensive perfumes under locked glass cases. Would have to smash and grab but at least you could escape. My daughter works in grocery store and sees people walk right out of store with basket of food. Management is afraid of a gun shooter, so she's told, don't stop them. The criminals are winning more and more every day and WE will continually have to pay higher costs because of it.