I'm Thinking of Joining ICE

And you should too

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

Okay, before you send anyone to my house for a welfare check, let’s get all the questions out of the way:

1. No, I am not being held against my will.

2. No, I don’t have a brain tumor.

3. No, I haven’t gone to “The Dark Side.”

4. No, I wasn’t hacked.

5. And yes, I’m serious.

6. Kind of.

So, I was perusing the trending news for the week and I saw that Dean Cain (AKA America’s Worst Superman) has announced that he’s joining ICE. At first I was like, Of course he is. Fucking douche.

BUT THEN.

I read the new press release from Secretary Kristi “Shooting Puppies is My Love Language” Noem that listed all of the benefits of joining ICE, and it got me thinking.

Why not take a page from the current administration’s pamphlet of horrible ideas? If you want to ruin something, do it from the inside out. AND get that bag!

So, ICE recently said that there is no longer an age limit for their agents. That opened up a whole new world to me and my fellow middle-aged ladies. Sure, we have to go through a medical screening (I’m as healthy as any of those dudes I’ve seen on the videos of them tearing families apart), a drug screening (as long as large amounts of Wellbutrin and Adderall are okay, I’m golden), and a complete physical fitness test (again, I’ve seen the dudes they’re putting out there on the mean streets of America and if they passed this test, so can I).

Now, here’s where we get paid to fuck shit up.

Ice is offering:

A $50,000 signing bonus. Hello, medical bills? I’ve got some good news for you.

Student loan repayment and/or forgiveness. Does this apply to my kids? Oh wait, the minimum age to be an ICE agent is now 18. They can sign up too and get their college paid for. Thank you, President Trump, for doing away with ridiculous entitlements and instead giving patriots free college in exchange for their souls!

Paid overtime. Oh, I’m the Queen of OT. Let’s goooo.

“Enhanced” retirement benefits. I don’t know what the hell that means, but it sounds like something I want.

Here’s where we fuck shit up from the inside:

As a middle-aged woman, I have nothing but seething rage, a diabolical mind, and no fucks left to give, so my friends and I are PERFECT for sabotage.

Here’s how I imagine a typical day on the job at ICE would go for me: