It's Always Something with Gwyneth Paltrow
It's Always Something with Gwyneth Paltrow
But It's Never Something Good
I have been writing on the internet for almost 12 years now and I have a few favorite topics that crop up again and again in my work. One of my favorite topics is called “What the fuck is Gwyneth doing now?”
I’d like to thank Gwyneth for all the nonsense she’s tried over the last decade. So much vagina work. From steaming it to shoving rocks in it to capturing its smell in a candle, it’s been a lot to cover. When Gwyneth isn’t obsessed with her vag, she’s all about what goes in another hole. Her mouth.
She’s written at least 4 cookbooks that I can think of. She humblebragged about the pizza ovens she had built in the backyards of many of her homes. There’s a whole section on her Goop website dedicated to recipes.
And yet, it seems like she doesn’t eat. She’s never been a big eater. I remember an article a few years ago where a reporter tried Gwyneth’s diet of green smoothie for breakfast, salad for lunch, almonds for a snack, and chicken thigh for dinner. The reporter complained about how hungry she was and now that menu would feel like a feast if she tried Gwyneth’s new daily regimen.
Gwyneth went viral again for sharing her “wellness routine” which was really just a lot of liquids and working out.
She fasts and then in the morning she has coffee and then she eats/drinks her lunch around noon.
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Her lunch is soup. She loves soup. She slurps it a lot. Especially bone broth. After her broth she “moves” for an hour and then hops into her infrared sauna for 30 minutes as we all do. I guess she has all that extra time for working out and sauna-sitting because she didn’t have to chew anything over breakfast or lunch.
Dinner is “paleo,” so LOTS of vegetables. And then…that’s it, I guess.
So liquids and veggies.
I’m worried about her teeth. Are they not working anymore? Why is she so opposed to chewing? What happened to her pizza ovens? Are they even being used anymore now that she avoids carbs?
Everyone was up in arms about this particular video, but when I went to find it, I realized there’s another video too where she’s talking about having an IV in her hand as she’s doing the interview. She gushes about how much she loves a good poke—even more than bone broth.
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I looked up her infusions and they’re basically vitamins. I think my off-brand lady vitamins has this same shit. I have choline in there, for sure. Can you imagine being so out of touch with reality that you’d rather have a needle in you instead of just swallowing a pill?
Ah, Gwyneth, you never change, you crazy girl. You just keep shilling this “wellness” shit because there are a bunch of dummies out there who will buy it. But the problem is, my teenage daughter and her peers are on TikTok and they see this absolute bullshit “wellness routine” and think they’re eating too much because they had some solid food today. I get it, I’m not a wellness expert by any stretch of the imagination and I could benefit from a bone broth lunch every now and again, BUT I’m also trying to raise my kids to have a healthier relationship with food than I do. The 80s and 90s kind of fucked us up. I remember when all the moms would eat a boiled egg and pop a Fen-Phen and announce they were full. Remember when those miracle pills started killing people? I’m not saying bone broth and infusions will kill you, but this doesn’t sound healthy to me at all.
It sounds like she’s on a constant colonoscopy prep. I bet her poop chute is beautiful. Actually, that’s the next orifice I think she and Goop will tackle. The final hole she can sell you some stupid thing to fill it with. She talked about using ozone therapy on her stink star. I have no idea what the fuck that does for someone, but it sounds like something Gwyneth would absolutely tout.
What an asshole.
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I can't believe ozone therapy on the stink wrinkles didn't get more play in this article. I don't want to Google it and end up on a weird kink watch list, does anyone know wtf that actually means? Is it like those dumb cunts who sunburn their taints on IG?
You forgot about her “let me prove to you you can eat healthy on food stamps” debacle.