I’m aging faster than I care to admit, y’all.
A few years ago I embraced the car tweezers and my chin has never been so smooth.
I’ve quit carrying leather purses because they’re “too heavy” for my back. My back hurts before I put anything in the damn thing. My hips are still good, so I’m thisclose to putting everything in a fanny pack and calling it good.
I’ve always got a Poise pad (or two) tucked in my lightweight bag. I also always have a tampon, because just when I think I’m done with Aunt Flo…HELLO! That bitch shows up for the first time in like 10 months.
I’ve reached the point where I need to remove my glasses to read but I don’t need bifocals yet. It’s a weird in-between spot and I’m not liking it that much.
Speaking of seeing, when did every public space get so fucking dark? I went to a restaurant the other night and between the 7-font menu and the lack of lighting, I couldn’t see shit. I was like, “Do you guys have soup?” (Yeah, I’m at that soup age now. I don’t want anything that requires too much chewing. My jaw is tired.)
I don’t know if this is a seeing problem or a hearing problem, but I have the closed caption on permanently now. Hear me out, the words are kind of fast and garbled these days and so much of the plot is in the dialogue.
Character on TV: “Joe, there’s a bomb in the subway and we only have 5 minutes to disable it!”
Me without subtitles: “Did he call him a hoe? They’re getting Subway? Don’t they need to disable that bomb before they go to lunch? It’s going to go off in 5 hours!”
I can’t sleep through the night. I don’t know if this is an age problem or a me problem. My brain is like, “Psst, it’s 3 am. We should think about really awful shit. But do it quietly, because when the Hubs’ brain goes off at 3 am, he thinks it’s sexy time and we’re up, but we’re not up for that nonsense.”
I’ve always been grouchy, but I’m even grouchier now. I didn’t think it was possible and yet, here we are. I had to get medicated, you guys. I was going to end up on the news or something.
But the thing that really made me realize how old I am these days was when the Hubs needed to change our Hulu password.
“Hang on,” I said. “I need to grab my password book!”
Yeah, I have a little alphabetized notebook where I keep all of the passwords. Everything from Amazon to Hilton Honors to Zettle.
My kids were like, “You can’t write down your passwords! That’s not safe.”
I don’t know what to tell them. My brain is mush. When we started this whole password thing years ago we only had 5 or so to remember. Easy enough. But then that number ballooned to dozens. Still kind of easy. I needed a few reminders here and there, but I had enough brainpower to figure them out. But then we got passwords for EVERYTHING. Just this week I added the Hawaiian Bros app, FitBit, and Hy-Vee. And don’t get me started on the passwords for sites I rarely use? The other day I went on Hotmail for the first time in two years. How am I supposed to remember my password from two years ago? I barely remembered the answer to the security prompt!
“What was the name of your first car?”
Not what model was your first car. What was its name?
Whut? Am I going to have to start writing down my security prompt answers too?
And then important passwords like banks and credit cards started forcing us to change the password every six months and it couldn’t be too similar to the old one. Do you know how hard it is to come up with an original password with numbers, letters, and symbols every six months and then remember it?!
It’s too much!
I think after I’d had to call the bank and verify my identity for the 100th time, that’s when I decided I needed to write down all my passwords. The risk was worth it. It was either get a notebook or start using AbC123))) for everything and that doesn’t seem smart.
I know there are apps and sites out there that can do all of this for you, but what if THEY get hacked? Then what? Or what if you forget the password to THAT online Rolodex?
Sometimes I really only trust pen and paper and the lock on my desk drawer.
The only time my password notebook got me in trouble was when I let Adolpha look in for the Netflix password. She found that one and the Amazon one. Now she’s always adding random shit to my shopping cart.
This is what she added this week.
I think it’s time to change the password again…
Tell me I’m not the only one with a password book!
This post makes me feel so seen. I wake up sore from basically sitting the day before. I wear readers all the time in order to read most things, even though I have contacts. Now that I am in menopause, I am gaining weight pretty much only in my belly area, so my beer belly is coming in nicely. I too hadn't had a period for about 10 months and then there she was again for a good solid day only to retreat back into my dusty, nether regions. I also maintain all my passwords in an excel spreadsheet, that is A to Z, and is about 4 pages long now. I have let my executor know that is where they need to go to so they can run my life in my absence. Getting old is starting to piss me off and while I am generally a happy person, this is not a good time for me right now. I am told, this too shall pass, in the meantime I am going to keep drinking and upgrading my readers annually. Hang in there ladies! P.S. Send wine!