My New Million-Dollar Business

And I'm hiring

Photo by Alexander Grey on Unsplash

Every few years I lament that I’m in the wrong business. When I started blogging way back in 2011, blogging was about the only way to make money from the internet. I started monetizing my blog right away but there was no way I could make “real” mommy blogger money. I didn’t have a beautiful home to show off, my style was trash, and my kids were absolutely off-limits.

Then came Instagram. And once again, I was left behind. I remember asking a friend who had a very successful Instagram account for some tips. I asked, “Just tell me which filter you use. I think if I used that filter, I’d make money.” And she looked at me like I was insane. She was like, “You think I just slap a filter on there? It takes me HOURS to edit my photos. I scout locations in my beautiful, one-of-a-kind city. I plan at least 3 different outfits, and I always have a backup plan just in case my first one goes to hell.”

Hmm. That sounded like way too much work. No wonder I couldn’t succeed on Instagram.

Then there was TikTok and all the kids were dancing. Their paychecks put the mommy bloggers to shame! They bought mansions and cars (they were too young to drive) with their smooth moves. They got book deals and starred in Super Bowl commercials. I was like, “How hard is it to lip sync and dance? Oh wait. It’s hard because I have no rhythm.”

And then Only Fans was a thing. Law students were putting themselves through school. PTO moms were making bank again, and even a few grandmas were out there killing it. But now that I knew how much work went into good Instagram posts, I knew there was no way I could handle the work that OF required. Just the idea of trying to find a matching set of bra and panties in my drawer was exhausting.

So, I resigned myself to my niche. It’s not a bad niche. I like it a lot, of course. It’s 100000 times better than not having a job. But there are days when I’m struggling to write something funny, and I think, “I wish my feet were prettier.”

But today, I think I found what I’ve been looking for. I think I’ve found the perfect internet niche where I have the skill set and supplies to make a lot of money. Today I discovered a girl on TikTok who provides a very special service. She was like, “This is your sign to sell your butthole wax strips, ladies.”

I have everything I need: a butthole, wax strips, cash app, and a stamped envelope.

I can’t wait to tell the family my new million-dollar idea tonight at dinner! My only problem is I’m not sure how fast butthole hair grows. I might need to outsource if I get a lot of clients. Does a butthole show age? I could hire retired women who need to make some Bingo money. Does a butthole show gender? I could hire men! Hell, for the clients who like them REAL hairy, I could send wax strips from my dog’s butthole. My customers would never know. As far as they know, every wax strip comes from a super hot 22-year-old woman. I could create an empire of buttholes!

I need a good name for my business, though. Do you have some ideas for me?