Southwest Has Lost Its Damn Mind

Before I start this rant, let me just say: I love Southwest Airlines. I have nothing against them personally. In fact, a few years ago, I went on a cross-country bootstrapped book tour for Working with People I Want to Punch in the Throat and I only flew Southwest because flights are easy to change, bags are free, and I don’t mind lining up like cattle to get on the plane.

HOWEVER, Southwest is having a bit of moment in the news these days.

A few weeks ago, a pilot had to go pissed-off-dad-driving-to-the-Grand-Canyon-with-kid-who-won’t-stop-fighting and threaten to turn the plane around and go home if passengers didn’t stop AirDropping nudes to one another.

Apparently, that’s called “cyberflashing” and it’s a common problem. I wouldn’t know, because I’ve never used AirDrop. I prefer my nudes the old-fashioned way: Polaroids via snail mail.

I think the flashers stopped and the plane got to Mexico without any more drama, but still. What the fuck?

Then this week, Southwest tweeted that they teamed up with Guitar Center to “surprise” everyone on a flight to Hawaii with a ukulele and a lesson.

First of all, I love Southwest’s fun sense of humor. I enjoy the bad jokes the flight attendants make and I am a big fan of a smart brand collab, but if I was on this plane, I might have jumped out.

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The ukulele is a beautiful instrument. When it’s played by someone who knows HOW to play it. Have you ever been around people who don’t know how to play the ukulele? Because I have. And it will make your eardrums bleed.

We took our kids to Hawaii a few years ago and our hotel offered free ukulele classes and, of course, my kids wanted to sign up. So we BOUGHT souvenir ukuleles from the ABC Store (yeah, we own two of these things now—they were fun to try and pack in the suitcase at the end of the week) and my kids attended lessons every afternoon by the pool.

I walked them down to the pool and I brought a book with me to read while they learned, but I really should have brought noise-canceling headphones. The cacophony of a dozen or so kids hammering on the ukulele is unbearable. And don’t even get me started on the “practicing” they did back in the hotel room.

I can’t even begin to imagine the noise of a plane-full of passengers plonking away on their new toy. At least when I was by the pool, I could excuse myself to the restroom to give my ears and brain a break. There’s nowhere to go on an airplane!

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Southwest tweeted out that there’s no cause for alarm, because the lesson “only” lasted 20 minutes.

Only 20 minutes? No. I’m sorry, that is an eternity. Especially at 30,000 feet.

And, did they make a rule after the 20 minutes that everyone had to put their ukulele in the overhead bin and never touch it again until they deplaned in Hawaii? Because you know there were a bunch of assholes, who just kept plucking away while everyone else was trying to sleep or watch the in-flight movie.

If any flight should have been threatened with a grounding, it should have been this one. Nope. I’m sorry, Southwest, this does not sound like a fun collab at all. What’s next? Teaming up with Van Camp’s and giving everyone a can of beans to consume before take-off so you can give the airplane’s air filtration system a tough workout?

I think I’ll take cyberflashers, crying babies, and barefoot bathroom goers any day over this utterly unhinged ukulele undertaking.