The Titans of Tech Tussle
And I am here for it
Thank goodness, I was losing interest in the search for world’s most expensive tuna can, because two more of Forbes Top 20 moneymakers have gone and done something stupid and garnered the headlines.
Welcome back to the show, Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg. It’s been almost a week since I’ve read a story about either of you. So glad you found a way to be relevant again.
Real talk: Are these guys all right? Is it not enough to control over $200b combined? Is it not enough to have the power to own two of the literal worst internet platforms in the world (that could be better if these two twats didn’t own them)? Is it not enough that Zuck makes the news because he looks like a corpse clown on a surfboard but then he said he did it because he was dodging the paparazzi which makes me think he’s not as smart as we all hoped. Is it not enough that Elon is treated like a soothsayer when he keeps telling people to have more babies so civilization (aka his factories) won’t crumble from a lack of workers?
Just when you thought these two guys were smart because they didn’t scramble aboard a doomed vessel that closely resembles a propane tank, they come out with something absolutely fucking absurd.
It was like these two had their PR reps get together on a call last night for a bitchfest. I’m imagining it went something like this:
Zuck PR rep: Can you believe this shit? So much is happening in the Metaverse right now that no one is even aware of.
Elon PR rep: No one is talking about Elon today. It’s all Hamish this, Hamish that! Elon’s a billionaire too!
Zuck PR rep: It’s so hard. It’s been a while since my dude was a billionaire. It was a sad day when he had to return his Billionaire Bucket of Gold Bullion to the Illuminati.
Elon PR rep: Elon sent his thoughts and prayers.
Zuck PR rep: We felt them. Thank you. Mark is doing okay now. The millionaire club isn’t quite the same, but he’s managing. But let’s get back to the matter at hand: our boys are not dominating the news cycles this week.
Elon PR rep: Maybe Elon should have tried to get a spot on that submersible. At least it would be his photo above the fold.
Zuck PR rep: True, true. Between you and me, I don’t think Mark was even invited.
Elon PR rep: Ouch. That’s just plain rude.
Zuck PR rep: It is what it is. However, I believe the best revenge is to take back what is rightfully ours: the headlines. And I have an idea.
Elon PR rep: Go on…
Zuck PR rep: Okay, so I was brainstorming all day on my boat. Both dudes have shitty online platforms that—thankfully—people refuse to leave because they control everyone’s news and basically their thoughts and feelings on just about any subject.
Elon PR rep: Yes. Isn’t it great?
Zuck PR rep: Elon’s got cars and space shit.
Elon PR rep: He’s does and it’s going ah-may-zing for him.
Zuck PR rep: That one rocket did explode, though.
Elon PR rep: A blip. The lawyers and the accountants say it’s fine.
Zuck PR rep: I hope no one had a multi-million dollar satellite attached to it.
Elon PR rep: Are you still mad about that? Elon sent an Edible Arrangement!
Zuck PR rep: A satellite would have been a better gift, just sayin’. Anyway, back to what I was saying. They’re both done having kids, probably.
Elon PR rep: Well…let’s not count Elon out just yet. It will all depend on next quarter’s economy numbers.
Zuck PR rep: They’re both kind of weird looking and the paps love to take pictures of them fucking around.
Elon PR rep: Umm…my guy was smoking pot on one of the highest rated podcasts and your fellow was…what was he doing exactly?
Zuck PR rep: He was bringing awareness to a silent killer: skin cancer. Sunscreen is rarely applied properly. And Mark’s been on Rogan too. Remember? They talked about their mutual love of pumping iron.
Elon PR rep: I must have missed the episode.
Zuck PR rep: Actually, that brings me to what I want to talk about. My idea to get these bad boys back in the news is—
Elon PR rep: Walk on the moon? It’s high time someone went back and we could easily have Kanye design the spacesuits.
Zuck PR rep: Cage fight.
Elon PR rep: Dogs or cocks?
Zuck PR rep: No. Mark is challenging Elon.
Elon PR rep: So, cocks.
Zuck PR rep: I don’t want to laugh but that was a good one. Honestly, a ruler would be easier at this point, right?
Elon PR rep: I’m surprised you didn’t ask Jeff. Because I think he would be down.
Zuck PR rep: Have you seen Bezos? He’s jacked as fuck.
Elon PR rep: Yeah. He looks like the fucking Terminator.
Zuck PR rep: That’s why Mark would prefer to go mano a mano with a real man: Mr. Elon Musk. Imagine: Zuck vs. Elon. One night only. Live in Vegas and Pay-Per-View streamed only on Meta and Twitter.
Elon PR rep: Holy. Shit. That is genius. Do you know how much money they could make?
Zuck PR rep: We’ve done some back-of-the-envelope calculations and we believe Mark could get his Bullion back.
Elon PR rep: Fuck. That would be incredible for him.
Zuck PR rep: So, what do you think? Will your boy do it?
Elon PR rep: Elon’s actually been listening to this call and he’s already fired up Twitter with a public challenge for The Zuck. If we get enough likes, it’s on like Donkey Kong.
Zuck PR rep: We can pitch in too. I’ll have Mark make a Reel.
So, Elon Musk challenged Mark Zuckerberg to a cage match.
That’s right, folks, the rumor mill is churning and frothing at the mouth at the possibility of watching these two pasty middle-aged moguls grapple to the death…I mean to the winded tap-out.
I have no idea if this challenge is true or not, but I hope it is. I am always against giving Facebook (I refuse to call it Meta) my hard-earned bullion, but I would absolutely pay (AND donate the same amount to some charity that those bros hate) to witness such a sad yet hilarious yet almost certainly disappointing spectacle of two bored bazillionaires brawling.
I know Zuck is supposedly a jiu jitsu phenom, but that claim smells a little fishy to me. When you’ve surrounded yourself with yes men and sycophants for decades, it’s hard to tell what’s real and what’s Putin-y.
Elon says he could bust out “The Walrus” move which is him laying on top of Zuck. I’ll give him a point for recognizing his assets and using them to dominate. He could also try “The Thinker” where he sits on his opponent’s face until Zuck passes out or Elon gets a cramp.
Zuck would have a whole whiteboard in his corner with insanely complex throws he could do, when all he needs to do is sweep the leg! Elon looks unsteady to me and I think he’d go down fairly easy. The problem will be keeping him down. “The Walrus” won’t work. What does Zuck weigh? A buck-fifty? At this point, I think my money is on Elon. He has the girth and he knows how to throw it. He also has more money to pay off the refs.
What do you think? Would you watch this shit show?
Thank you!! I've been having a totally craptacular morning, but this made me laugh a lot.
The biggest thing those evil twins want is publicity. Would I watch? HELL NO! Not gonna even gonna THINK of giving those monstrous figments of human reality the satisfaction. Heinous fuckery...