What To Get the Man Who Has Everything for Father's Day

I Recommend a Public Meltdown

Photo by Yulia Kosareva on Unsplash

Well friends, it's finally happened. The human embodiment of a golden toilet, Donald Trump, is feuding with Elon “You Get My Baby! And You Get My Baby! Everyone Gets My Baby!” Musk, and I couldn’t be more delighted. It’s like watching two toddlers slap-fighting over who gets to be the center of attention at a Chuck E. Cheese birthday party—except these toddlers own social media platforms and have nuclear ambitions. Seriously, though, these fucking guys remind of a fight I witnessed years ago at a retirement home when I was volunteering with a group. We’d brought a pallet of cookies from the Sam’s Club bakery to share with the residents. But when two dipships upstairs got a whiff of fresh-ish chocolate chip cookies, they zoomed down to the rec room as fast as they could. I say “zoomed” because they were both driving Rascals. The doorway into the room was only large enough to fit one Rascal at a time, and they were both determined to be first. After what seemed like an eternal game of Rascal chicken, one finally floored it, and bumped the other Rascal out of the way. He sailed through with his eye on the prize ahead, but he was too caught up in his delicious dreaming that he didn’t see ANOTHER Rascal come out of nowhere and broadside him, practically tipping him over. The third Rascal driver put out his leg and KICKED his opponent in an attempt to thwart his attempts to reach the cookies first. While they were literally kicking and ramming their Rascals into one another, the guy who got stuffed at the door passed them both and dropped TWO HANDFULS of cookies into his little basket on the front of his hot rod. He pulled a U-y and flipped them the bird as he drove away. It was horrifying and breathtaking all at once.

That’s exactly how I felt yesterday watching America’s two dads who have it all meltdown in real time.

I think it all started when Elon, the world’s richest man with such a punchable face that even his toddler took a swing at him, called out the world’s most power man when he tweeted Trump’s “Big Beautiful Bill” is a “disgusting abomination.”