Yes, I Know A Lot of Stuff Happened Last Week, But I Have Bigger News
Yes, I know that a bunch of crazy shit happened last week. Like:
Trump caught a bullet.
He picked a VP who wrote the only book I’ve ever thrown across a room and yelled, “Oh go fuck yourself.”
The Convention was weird as fuck. It was half political rally and half Evangelical tent revival with a dash of WWE. And we can’t overlook the people wearing maxi pads on their ears in solidarity with their Supreme Leader. The only thing missing was speaking in tongues and snake handling. I guess they’re saving that shit for the inauguration.
Microsoft updated everyone’s computers and killed them. I thought AI was finally taking over the world and I was at peace with it. I’d rather work for robot overlords than live in a re-education camp under King Donald.
And today Biden dropped out of the race, leaving everyone speculating that Vice President Kamala Harris will step in as the nominee. That would make history and give your racist uncle a heart attack.
But I have bigger news, y’all. You might want to sit down for this one. It’s a stunner, for sure. Are you ready?
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