A Storm is Coming

Hold onto your hairpiece!

Photo by Greg Johnson on Unsplash

Annnnd, America’s creepy ex-boyfriend is back. Damn it, girl. You could have done so much better! Why did you let that asshole back in your life? What’s wrong with you?

And not only is he back, but he's brought a cyber truck full of his janky friends with him too. His wife is staying in NYC (I don’t blame her. She’s probably had enough of his sour wrinkled ass) but he doesn’t care because he’ll be chilling with his best bro slash surrogate wife, “Elonia”.

You know, Elonia. He’s the guy who threw an actual Nazi salute to an ECSTACTIC MAGA crowd yesterday. They practically orgasmed all over their Bibles and their flags. It was gross.

And don’t even come at me with that “he’s an awkward autistic dude who was overcome with emotion.” Did you forget when he wore the black MAGA hat with Hitler’s favorite font? Nah. That dude knew EXACTLY what he was doing. Don’t let them tell you that you didn’t see what you saw.

WHEN THEY SHOW YOU WHO THEY ARE, BELIEVE THEM!!!

Last week I was told to turn on all my TVs to anything BUT the inauguration so that our ex would have pitiful ratings. But I didn’t. I tuned in because I love a good shit show and I knew I wouldn’t be disappointed. Plus, I was hoping on the off chance that maybe Antifa would really storm the Capitol and take a shit on Speaker Johnson’s desk during a live CNN broadcast.

Antifa didn’t show up, but I was still entertained. From Melania’s Hamburgler Hat to Lauren Sanchez (Bezo’s fiancee) forgetting to wear a blouse (much to Zuck’s pleasure—dude could NOT stop sneaking peeks) to Ivanka dressed like she grabbed a dress from the wardrobe department at The Handmaid’s Tale, the fashion choices were…something.

[Also, can we just have a moment of silence for Mackenzie Scott (ex-wife to Jeff)? I can’t imagine the ick she feels every time she sees his smug face on TV. She must be cringing that she ever had children with that douchebag. Actually, she’s probably cringing all the way to the bank because at least she got the money. You go, girl.]

The music was incredibly awful and what the fuck were those benedictions? Were we at an inauguration or a tent revival?

I can’t decide if my favorite part of our ex’s speech was when he said God saved him so he could make America great again

or

when he said with a straight face that he was going to rename the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America much to Hillary’s amusement.

I could just hear her whisper, “This fucking guy.” Yeah, unfortunately, that fucking guy beat you and Kamala. Goddammit.

My favorite, favorite, favorite part of the day was when the MAGA cult members realized that DJT refused to get his little hands cold and chose to move the ceremony indoors with some of his closest friends and enemies. He literally left his super fans out in the cold after they gave him all their money for hats, boots, flags, gold coins, Bibles, Bitcoin, and now guitars. That’s because he hates your sorry asses. He really does. He thinks your like dirt on the bottom of his shoe. You’ve served your purpose and now you can go straight to hell for all he cares. He chose to hang out with his oligarch friends and former presidents who all think he’s a boob. I could watch sad MAGites for hours cry about how much they spent on travel and hotels only to be told, “Fuck you” by their King.

I just read that it was 20 degrees in DC yesterday. Come on! Are you Alpha Men or pussies? I saw a farmer in a sweatshirt say something like, “I live on a farm. I can’t stay inside because it’s cold out.” Exactly!

WHEN THEY SHOW YOU WHO THEY ARE, BELIEVE THEM!!

I was hoping for a little more drama today, though. Before TikTok got banned (for 8 hours or whatever it was) and then saved by our crazy ex-boyfriend (who was the one who called for the ban in the first place. Don’t let him gaslight you again, girl.) my feed was FULL of psychics predicting some wild shit. Even if some of it came true, it would have been the best inauguration I’ve ever watched.

Here were my 3 favorite predictions:

Psychic 1: DJT will be in the middle of his doom and gloom speech when the FBI, CIA, local police, and probably an Air Marshal will swoop in and throw him down on the ground. They’ll handcuff him, Melania, his kids, his BFF Elonia, and half his cabinet and arrest them on the grounds that they stole the election somehow (the details on the steal were a little fuzzy). Kamala would jump up on stage and say, “You’re going to jail and I’m the president now!”

NOTE: Trump did say that Elon “knows…those voting-counting computers…and we ended up winning Pennsylvania.” He’ll claim it was a joke, but who the fuck knows anymore?

Psychic 2: DJT will finish his gloom and doom speech and then say, “Lock ‘em up!” The FBI, CIA, local police, and probably an Air Marshal will swoop in and arrest all the former presidents, vice presidents, and their spouses for “treason.” They’ll be marched off to prison while the crowd chants “Lock them up!” They will never be seen or heard from again.

NOTE: I did think this one might have some validity. DJT has such small dick energy and is so petty, I could see him doing this just for the optics alone. It is worth noting that President Biden granted pardons to ALL of his family just before he locked the White House door behind him. I held my breath while he flew off, hoping we weren’t going to have a Putin moment where planes, people, etc. fall down.

Psychic 3: DJT will be in the middle of his gloom and doom speech and the aliens would FINALLY reveal themselves. They’ve been in the crowd the whole time! They’ll tell everyone they come in peace and they’re here to save the USA (because no other country needs saving) from ALL the politicians. Everyone would be so moved by the alien’s speech about peace and harmony that they’ll promise to work together and save the USA (in whatever manner the watcher of the video prefers).

I’m super bummed that none of this came true. If I could pick a favorite, it would be the aliens because I’m tired of the justice system being the savior we’ve all been waiting for who never shows up. Our ex-boyfriend should have never been able to be our boyfriend again. Let’s let the aliens give it a try this time.

Once all the songs, prayers, and salutes were done, he trotted over to see the lucky bastards who got to sit in an arena and watch him on a JumboTron. He signed a flurry of executive orders (some of them ridiculous and some of them downright disturbing) and threw the Sharpies at the crowd. He pardoned all of the January 6th traitors. Every fucking one of them. Even the ones who injured law enforcement officers. (What happened to back to the blue, etc.?) He went to the ball where he danced to his favorite band, The Village People (when is someone going to tell him??) and played with a sword because, again, tiny dick energy.

As I said before, Biden pardoned family members who didn’t even need a pardon, but he still gave them a Get Out of Jail Free card, just in case—which only feels a little shady. I was still hoping that maybe he’d walk out the door and be like, “Oh shit. Jill! I forgot about Luigi! Gimme a pen, would ya?”

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