Is That a Gun in Your FUPA or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

Photo by Yosep Sugiarto on Unsplash

Years ago, I learned about the FUPA for the first time. You can read all about it here. If you’re like me back then, you probably don’t know what a FUPA is, so I’ll give you a quick education.

According to Google FUPA stands for “fatty upper pubic area.” I think it’s adorable that Google is keeping it all PG for everyone, because that’s not the P-word I was taught. Or maybe my friends are just crass? Don’t answer that.

Anyhoo, back to my story about a recent FUPA debacle. The debacle did not include my FUPA. It was another lady’s FUPA. Get this. A middle-aged woman went to a White Sox baseball game this weekend where she smuggled a banned item tucked securely into the soft folds of her FUPA.

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Now, you probably have a few questions, as did I.

What was the banned item? What was so important that she needed to bring it with her to a professional baseball game? My first thought was booze. We all know the drink prices at those stadiums are dumb, so she probably tucked one of those tiny airplane bottles in her shorts—maybe two if her FUPA has more give. Or, it’s not just drinks that are pricey, maybe she knew she’d need a snack, so she shoved a bag of peanuts between her tummy and her poonanny.

NOPE.

It was neither food nor drink.

You guys, it was a handgun!

Why?? I know, right? How ‘Merica is that? Fucking hell. This broad is getting ready to go watch America’s pastime and she’s got her clear fanny pack filled with a debit card, car keys, sunglasses, and a hair tie, and she’s like, “Oh no, where can I stick my gun? I’ll need my gun at the White Sox game! You know how wild those things get. But I can’t put it in my clear bag because those bags are how security can tell right away if I have a gun! I know! I’ll stick the gun in my FUPA!!”

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What in the “mah rights” bullshit is that? I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess she’s never smuggled a banned book in her biscuit before.

How big and strong is her FUPA? Ladies, you know how there’s that test where you stick a pencil under your boob to see how saggy it is? Ann Landers told us the more pencils you can hold, the saggier your boobs are, or something like that. I just remember some lady at Stern’s tsking at me when my teenage boobies could already hold two pencils. She should see what they can hold now! [Disclaimer, that’s not me. But it probably could be.]

Is there a pencil test for your FUPA? I am not a small woman and my FUPA is not-not impressive, but I just tried and it couldn’t even hold a pencil. How in the world did this woman hide a gun in her gunt?!

Are there exercises you can do to strengthen your FUPA? I just flew home from Dallas this weekend and the flight attendant made me consolidate my three bags into two and it was a pain in the ass. What difference does it make if I stick two bags under my seat or one bag with another bag in it?? But I digress, I’m going to Columbus next month and it would be nice if I could stick my laptop bag where the sun doesn’t shine and not have to check a bag.

How did no one notice this? Apparently, she set off the metal detectors three times. Security finally checked her by hand and STILL didn’t find the gun in her kangaroo pouch, so they let her in.

We’re all going to pay for this, aren’t we? We all have to take off our shoes at TSA because of the shoe bomber dude and now we’ll be forced to lift our FUPAs and jump up and down to prove we don’t have contraband (or candy bars) stuck in there.

How did they finally figure it out? She accidentally shot herself in the leg and another woman’s abdomen was grazed by a bullet.

This is why the world laughs at us. We’re so fucking stupid. We let any moron buy a deadly weapon, but I had to show ID today to buy cold medicine.