I ran into an acquaintance at Target the other day. We haven’t seen one another in several years. Both of our boys are seniors in high school, so inevitably the question, “Where’s Gomer going to college?” came up. I shrugged. “We don’t know yet?” Her eyes widened in shock. “Well, what does he want to major in?”
I love your parenting style. The world needs to stop pushing kids and expecting them to all follow the same track. My daughter (now 29) had a mental health crisis fall of her sophomore year. After that (and her friends all dropping her like hotcakes) even driving by her school caused panic attacks. We did online school with the goal of just getting her a diploma. I didn't care if she did it with Ds (she didn't). After graduating, she didn't know what she wanted to do and didn't want to waste money so she worked part-time and explored. At 21 she knew what she wanted and went to a 2 year school for it. She's so happy. Son #1 (32) went straight to a tech school and it was perfect for him. Son #2 is STILL in school at 29 finishing (hopefully) his PhD. 3 kids. 3 different experiences. All successful self-supporting adults.
I wish I could read this at my next staff meeting, but most educators know this is the truth- it’s the parents who need to wake the fuck up. Have loved your work since elf days. Thx for the read.
Oy, I hear this with my whole being. And surviving the college/no college/stay home/move out/trade school/gap year decisions of senior year with the first child HELPS NOT ONE BIT with the next kid...if we treat them as unique, complex people.
This made me add a pool to my tv room. Thank you thank you thank you for for being open and honesty about mental health. I have suffered my entire life. I'm 50 and finally my parents finally validated that I have been like this before I was five. I heard suck it up buttercup, pull up your bootstraps, if you smile you'll feel better, blah blah blah. There is a meme basically saying something about it'll get better over time.... I've been sad my whole life (I only post it when I need to make a point. I have so much empathy for Adolpha. And I love you and the hubs for being transparent an ftd public about it. My family still hates I post about it. It is so isolating, shameful (if we could remove the stigma and want to know mental health when we ask how someone is. (my friends know that is what I'm asking). Ok, I'll stop babbling. I wish I still lived in KC
For at least the last 5 years, when there is a school holiday, I take my son (almost 14yo) out to lunch - his choice - and force him to talk to me about school, home, his mental/physical health. I can get about a 30 minute conversation out of him before he slowly puts in his earbuds and shuts down.
Last month, he was diagnosed severely depressed/anxious - which we knew was coming because of my forced check-ins.
This is so spot on. I remember what I went through and words I never said to my parents… and hopefully I am supporting my kids enough but not too much… it is a balance and this post was a welcome reminder I’m not alone.
When I first read your newsletter I had to sit with it for a while, because it hit home hard. These past several years has opened up the many fissures that were lying beneath the surface, and it's no surprise it has affected our children. Having two that have already gone through the college application process, I was that mom who pushed them to study hard, sign up for extracurricular activities, anything to improve their chances in getting into the top schools. Of course, I never said that to them directly, but it was apparent that was what I wanted. With what is going on in the world now, I cannot imagine the toll it is having on others, and especially on teenagers. I have one more in high school and am not pushing him like I did with his sisters. I've realized it doesn't matter what college my child goes to so long as he's happy, that he'll be okay once he leaves home and enters the real world.
Thank you for this post, Jenn. It resonated with me more than you could possibly know. Sorry for the long overshare I am about to type….
My oldest son has severe ADHD and began experiencing anxiety with panic attacks the summer before freshman year of high school. The public high school he would have attended was large and competitive on many levels.
Docs think the anxiety was triggered by not only puberty, his existing diagnosis of ADHD but also the loss of his uncle and both grandads within a short period of time (all from cancer). We went into survival mode- found a smaller private less stressful high school that knew his situation and put some guardrails up for our son. We also had him seen by a psychiatrist for a medication evaluation and he started seeing a clinical psychologist . As time went by, we realized none of this was enough, covid hit and we were actually relieved his schooling became virtual. I hate to say we were relieved by the pandemic- I realize that sounds horrible. It may have actually saved my son’s life- he was home and safe - we were able to reevaluate his mental health needs. He did return to a different small brick and mortar school for one year- did great but chose to complete his senior year virtually. He is doing great and will graduate by spring break. It’s been a struggle - watching children he was in middle school with getting acceptance letters into some of the universities I believe my son would have applied to and (maybe) got accepted into…
I am so proud of the path he has decided upon- he is going to a small college more a less a community college (has 100% acceptance) not far from us (less than 2 hours away)so he can “adjust” to college with hopes he will transfer later (maybe) -less stress and more time to explore different majors.
The most important thing of all- he’s here. He’s functioning and he knows he has our support no matter what he decides to do….
I’ve let go of the mommy game that is so toxic for us as parents and for our kids. The bragging judgey mom is not one of your people…they live vicariously through their kiddos and live to create an optic of accomplishment and perfection of their family situation…..
My son is HERE…. he is here…
That IS accomplishment! I still get to be his mom, love and support him and continue to watch him grow into a happy healthy functioning man.
Hits home today. Kiddo (18) had a really rough start to the day and decided (for the first time) she would be better off clocking out, going to her car and calling her doctor to talk about her medication, what she's feeling and what she needs to do. And I THANK GOD she called me too, and she knows she always can, and it's ok to not be ok and that I will cheer her on and tell her she's not alone, and we will fight this battle for her mental health. Thank God she reached out to me; reaches out to her dad, knows she is loved - I have no idea what it would be like for her if she didn't, because she seems to talk openly with us and still struggles. I love her with every bit of my being. And it's ok that she doesn't know where she's going go next - because she's alive.
I have been dealing with this for four years with my son. He is now 17, same age and school as Gomer, but dropped out last year after fighting about it for four years. He quickly had his GED in a few months time. I am letting him figure out what he wants to do with his life, as it is his life! He knows he does not want to go to college. He had such a horrible time in school with bullying, never fitting in and feeling like an outcast. The final breaking point was when he told me, "Mom, do you know how it feels to walk into a building of over 2500 people and feel like you don't exist? Why would I want to be there every day?" I finally asked him what he wanted, after a the years of pushing and begging him to go to school and he said, I just want to stop and get my GED. It was the best decision ever. Of course now we are dealing with the growing up and leaving the nest and he is scared as hell! I don't even try to talk to other parents, as I get the look of "what a horrible parent you are!" "How could you let your son drop out?" "why didn't you push him harder?" And no one understands that if I had pushed him harder he wouldn't be with us today. Mental health is everything, these kids are struggling and parents keep pushing harder, it just doesn't make sense to me. And yet suicide in teenagers and young adults has risen dramatically and is the second leading cause of death for people between the ages of 15-24. I agree with you Jen that we should be asking our kids what they want and how they are doing more as parents!
I just posted about this on FB the other day. I too have a Senior and just want our son to do what’s best for HIM… not us, not his friends, not because society says so… heck I wasn’t a college graduate until I was 42 and the only reason I went back was because I thought it would get me further than where I am now. Now I’m stuck with student loan debt and not making near enough to get by.
All of this. My MIL thinks I "coddle" my son, who is a freshman in college. But he's not ok. He's getting there, but he needs some coddling and understanding to get there. And if he decides he wasn't ready for college this year, he can come on home and regroup and try again if/when he decides he is ready.
I have a teen ager and I agree. The society is collapsing! College is a profit machine. Most require Covid baxx for students, not faculty. Bullshit ! Resist revolt and let kids be kids ! Fuck all of your vaccines!
I appreciated reading this and all of the comments. What it made me think of - it is so disappointing to hear when people (mostly older) want to go back “to the good old days” then they mention xyz following that. Yes, let’s go back to where the problems actually started and try to fix them. Mental health, for one, by not acknowledging anything. That was the problem back then. If we should “go back” then that’s where we need to go back, maybe it’ll help the future, to acknowledge the screw up and be better. I also think it’s because of media being absolutely everywhere that life is so much more different and difficult.
I love your parenting style. The world needs to stop pushing kids and expecting them to all follow the same track. My daughter (now 29) had a mental health crisis fall of her sophomore year. After that (and her friends all dropping her like hotcakes) even driving by her school caused panic attacks. We did online school with the goal of just getting her a diploma. I didn't care if she did it with Ds (she didn't). After graduating, she didn't know what she wanted to do and didn't want to waste money so she worked part-time and explored. At 21 she knew what she wanted and went to a 2 year school for it. She's so happy. Son #1 (32) went straight to a tech school and it was perfect for him. Son #2 is STILL in school at 29 finishing (hopefully) his PhD. 3 kids. 3 different experiences. All successful self-supporting adults.
I wish I could read this at my next staff meeting, but most educators know this is the truth- it’s the parents who need to wake the fuck up. Have loved your work since elf days. Thx for the read.
Oy, I hear this with my whole being. And surviving the college/no college/stay home/move out/trade school/gap year decisions of senior year with the first child HELPS NOT ONE BIT with the next kid...if we treat them as unique, complex people.
This made me add a pool to my tv room. Thank you thank you thank you for for being open and honesty about mental health. I have suffered my entire life. I'm 50 and finally my parents finally validated that I have been like this before I was five. I heard suck it up buttercup, pull up your bootstraps, if you smile you'll feel better, blah blah blah. There is a meme basically saying something about it'll get better over time.... I've been sad my whole life (I only post it when I need to make a point. I have so much empathy for Adolpha. And I love you and the hubs for being transparent an ftd public about it. My family still hates I post about it. It is so isolating, shameful (if we could remove the stigma and want to know mental health when we ask how someone is. (my friends know that is what I'm asking). Ok, I'll stop babbling. I wish I still lived in KC
For at least the last 5 years, when there is a school holiday, I take my son (almost 14yo) out to lunch - his choice - and force him to talk to me about school, home, his mental/physical health. I can get about a 30 minute conversation out of him before he slowly puts in his earbuds and shuts down.
Last month, he was diagnosed severely depressed/anxious - which we knew was coming because of my forced check-ins.
This is so spot on. I remember what I went through and words I never said to my parents… and hopefully I am supporting my kids enough but not too much… it is a balance and this post was a welcome reminder I’m not alone.
When I first read your newsletter I had to sit with it for a while, because it hit home hard. These past several years has opened up the many fissures that were lying beneath the surface, and it's no surprise it has affected our children. Having two that have already gone through the college application process, I was that mom who pushed them to study hard, sign up for extracurricular activities, anything to improve their chances in getting into the top schools. Of course, I never said that to them directly, but it was apparent that was what I wanted. With what is going on in the world now, I cannot imagine the toll it is having on others, and especially on teenagers. I have one more in high school and am not pushing him like I did with his sisters. I've realized it doesn't matter what college my child goes to so long as he's happy, that he'll be okay once he leaves home and enters the real world.
Thank you for this post, Jenn. It resonated with me more than you could possibly know. Sorry for the long overshare I am about to type….
My oldest son has severe ADHD and began experiencing anxiety with panic attacks the summer before freshman year of high school. The public high school he would have attended was large and competitive on many levels.
Docs think the anxiety was triggered by not only puberty, his existing diagnosis of ADHD but also the loss of his uncle and both grandads within a short period of time (all from cancer). We went into survival mode- found a smaller private less stressful high school that knew his situation and put some guardrails up for our son. We also had him seen by a psychiatrist for a medication evaluation and he started seeing a clinical psychologist . As time went by, we realized none of this was enough, covid hit and we were actually relieved his schooling became virtual. I hate to say we were relieved by the pandemic- I realize that sounds horrible. It may have actually saved my son’s life- he was home and safe - we were able to reevaluate his mental health needs. He did return to a different small brick and mortar school for one year- did great but chose to complete his senior year virtually. He is doing great and will graduate by spring break. It’s been a struggle - watching children he was in middle school with getting acceptance letters into some of the universities I believe my son would have applied to and (maybe) got accepted into…
I am so proud of the path he has decided upon- he is going to a small college more a less a community college (has 100% acceptance) not far from us (less than 2 hours away)so he can “adjust” to college with hopes he will transfer later (maybe) -less stress and more time to explore different majors.
The most important thing of all- he’s here. He’s functioning and he knows he has our support no matter what he decides to do….
I’ve let go of the mommy game that is so toxic for us as parents and for our kids. The bragging judgey mom is not one of your people…they live vicariously through their kiddos and live to create an optic of accomplishment and perfection of their family situation…..
My son is HERE…. he is here…
That IS accomplishment! I still get to be his mom, love and support him and continue to watch him grow into a happy healthy functioning man.
And that is everything!
Hits home today. Kiddo (18) had a really rough start to the day and decided (for the first time) she would be better off clocking out, going to her car and calling her doctor to talk about her medication, what she's feeling and what she needs to do. And I THANK GOD she called me too, and she knows she always can, and it's ok to not be ok and that I will cheer her on and tell her she's not alone, and we will fight this battle for her mental health. Thank God she reached out to me; reaches out to her dad, knows she is loved - I have no idea what it would be like for her if she didn't, because she seems to talk openly with us and still struggles. I love her with every bit of my being. And it's ok that she doesn't know where she's going go next - because she's alive.
Thank you Jen! This should be required reading for every parent! ❤️ cathy
I have been dealing with this for four years with my son. He is now 17, same age and school as Gomer, but dropped out last year after fighting about it for four years. He quickly had his GED in a few months time. I am letting him figure out what he wants to do with his life, as it is his life! He knows he does not want to go to college. He had such a horrible time in school with bullying, never fitting in and feeling like an outcast. The final breaking point was when he told me, "Mom, do you know how it feels to walk into a building of over 2500 people and feel like you don't exist? Why would I want to be there every day?" I finally asked him what he wanted, after a the years of pushing and begging him to go to school and he said, I just want to stop and get my GED. It was the best decision ever. Of course now we are dealing with the growing up and leaving the nest and he is scared as hell! I don't even try to talk to other parents, as I get the look of "what a horrible parent you are!" "How could you let your son drop out?" "why didn't you push him harder?" And no one understands that if I had pushed him harder he wouldn't be with us today. Mental health is everything, these kids are struggling and parents keep pushing harder, it just doesn't make sense to me. And yet suicide in teenagers and young adults has risen dramatically and is the second leading cause of death for people between the ages of 15-24. I agree with you Jen that we should be asking our kids what they want and how they are doing more as parents!
I just posted about this on FB the other day. I too have a Senior and just want our son to do what’s best for HIM… not us, not his friends, not because society says so… heck I wasn’t a college graduate until I was 42 and the only reason I went back was because I thought it would get me further than where I am now. Now I’m stuck with student loan debt and not making near enough to get by.
Love this article. It is so true.
All of this. My MIL thinks I "coddle" my son, who is a freshman in college. But he's not ok. He's getting there, but he needs some coddling and understanding to get there. And if he decides he wasn't ready for college this year, he can come on home and regroup and try again if/when he decides he is ready.
I have a teen ager and I agree. The society is collapsing! College is a profit machine. Most require Covid baxx for students, not faculty. Bullshit ! Resist revolt and let kids be kids ! Fuck all of your vaccines!
I appreciated reading this and all of the comments. What it made me think of - it is so disappointing to hear when people (mostly older) want to go back “to the good old days” then they mention xyz following that. Yes, let’s go back to where the problems actually started and try to fix them. Mental health, for one, by not acknowledging anything. That was the problem back then. If we should “go back” then that’s where we need to go back, maybe it’ll help the future, to acknowledge the screw up and be better. I also think it’s because of media being absolutely everywhere that life is so much more different and difficult.