A few months ago, I went to my annual checkup. My doctor was like, “How’s it going?” and I was like, “My world is trash.”
That’s when she was like, “Tell me more.” I was like, “Where do I begin?” and then I unloaded 4 years worth of my personal bullshit on her. That poor woman had no idea what she was asking me. She didn’t know just how much I had to say. I know we talked about my kids and their various ailments. I know we talked about the Hubs and how we’re pretty much roommates again. I know I talked about my lack of direction, focus, and desire to do much more than get my kids to their doctor appointments and pick up dog shit in my yard.
I think I might have overwhelmed her. She was like, “Okay, let’s take this one step at a time. What is the most important thing right now?”
And I was like, “Money. Doctors are expensive. But I can’t make money because I can’t write because my brain is on fire.”
And after a few more questions, she was like, “Damn girl, you need ADHD medication!” and she wrote me a script.
And then my pharmacist was like, “Here you go!”
And then I took the pills and my brain was like, “Hey…I don’t want to jinx us, but I feel a little better…” And then over the next few weeks, it felt a lot better. And I started to get shit done. And I was like, “Whoohoo. I’m not a slug anymore!”
But then disaster struck. Last month, I went to my pharmacist and I was like, “Hook me up!” and he was like, “Bad news, girlie. There’s a shortage of this shit.”
NOOOOO.
Is it affecting me? I don’t know. You tell me:
I haven’t written more than a shopping list in over a week.
My drawers are empty.
My closet is empty.
I have PILES of laundry all over my bedroom. Clean, Dirty, and Sorta Clean.
There are at least 6 pairs of shoes at my front door. Everything from snow boots to sandals. I blame the weather more than my brain, though.
I Venmo’d money to my kids for Easter because I forgot to buy candy and I forgot where I put their baskets.
And finally: my Christmas tree is still up.
As you can tell, I am officially in a major “fuck it" phase right now. And I think everyone has just decided to let me go to shit.
Yesterday I mentioned to my mom that my Christmas tree was still up. She may love to decorate for Christmas and she may start in October, but her tree is NEVER up for Easter, so I waited for her judgment. But instead, she just shrugged and said, “Eh, you’re almost halfway to next Christmas. Throw a sheet over it and leave it.”
I can’t argue with sound logic like that.
I'm so sorry you are struggling. I empathize more than you could ever know. I don't have an answer. I only wanted you to know you are not alone and that some one cares. Oh to be clear, that someone is me💕
I have ADHD (when TF did there become an H in the middle?!) and SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). It sucks. Due to everything being through the VA, I have to "ration" my meds since they are so flipping far behind (please support veterans!). I did actually get tested, the test was part fascinating and part annoying as shit. This means that I am awesome at work, but I have the ambition of a slug when I get home. My house is a mess, I'm putting things off I *really* need to do (the laundry is done, folded, but do you think I can but bothered to put it away?!), I feel your pain. But you'll get through it. Feel free to reach out for my little bit of coping tips that I have when I just... can't. But know I *have* to. Speaking of which, I still owe you a handwritten letter, since you sent me one! See how it is?