This All Could Have Been Avoided if They'd Moved the Damn Boat

But they couldn't. Because they're racists.

Yesterday, I opened my TikTok app and the first video I was shown was a black man on a dock being sucker punched by a white man.

What the actual fuck is happening right now?

Of course, I had to go down the rabbit hole and watch every single video I could find about the Montgomery Brawl AKA The Alabama Sweet Tea Party.

Have you seen this shit?

The Hubs got home from work last night and he isn’t able to get online at work, so he didn’t know anything about it. I was like, “Watch these 94 videos from every single angle and then we need to discuss at length because holy shit it was a master class in fucking around and finding out.”

In case you also missed it, I’m going to break it down for you Jen style. Okay, so there’s this boat Harriet II. It’s a riverboat that goes out with a couple hundred passengers for a dinner cruise and then returns to the dock, to their reserved dock…spot, or whatever. I’m not a boat person. Basically, the Harriet II has her own spot and everyone knows it’s her spot. She has to park there because she’s a big ass boat and that’s the only place where the passengers can get off safely.

Anyhoo, the Harriet comes back and the captain, Jim Kittrell, sees some dumbass has parked their pontoon boat in Harriet’s spot. Now, we’ve since found out, that Jim knows these dumbasses. He’s had words with them before. Apparently, they park in Harriet’s spot a lot (like for years) and when Jim tells them to move they give him the finger and tell him to fuck off.

So, Jim steams in (riverboats steam, right?) and the fucking pontoon is there again. And he’s like, “Motherfuckers.” He turns to his first mate, Damien Pickett, and he’s like, “Give me the microphone.” And he starts making announcements over the boat’s PA system asking the pontoon punks to move their rust bucket.

Meanwhile, this goes on for 30 MINUTES. For 30 MINUTES the Captain is like, “Hey assholes, come move your boat.”

And the assholes are like, “Go fuck yourself.”

Side note: I think after this, the Harriet II needs to be retrofitted with some kind of giant claw thing so the captain can just poke a hole in their boat and sink that fucker. Because 30 minutes? And this happens ALL THE TIME from this same family? Oh hell no.

Anyhoo, back to the story. So 30 minutes have passed and everyone’s getting antsy, right? So the Captain is like, “Do me a favor, Damien, catch a ride from another boater and get over there and shove that pontoon down 5 damn feet so we can all go home.”

Damien’s like, “Aye-aye, Cap’n.” And he hitches a ride to the dock.

This is where most of the videos pick up. Damien’s on the dock and he’s got a young man with him (who we’ve since learned is his 16-year-old co-worker, and that’s important later). They both start messing with the pontoon.

Now, I heard an interview with the Captain and he said it’s very normal in the boating community to move each other’s boats. Everyone is friendly and no one minds when you need to give a boat a shove. I don’t know if this is true, or not. I live in Kansas. I do not boat. But this seems to be the etiquette. So, what I’m saying is it should have been no big deal to give the pontoon a nudge so the riverboat could dock.

HOWEVER.

The owners of the pontoon acted like Damien set their boat on fire. Actually, if we’re being honest here, they acted like a Black man touched their boat. THAT was the problem. They came running down to the dock to confront him. The video shows an assortment of sunburned white men in various states of undress arguing with Damien. It’s hard to keep track because they all look alike, but I’m going to say he spoke with 5 or so. Everyone’s got big gestures and the body language is heated, but no one is backing down.

I’m guessing it went like this:

Damien: See that big ass boat? It needs to park here. Move your boat.

Chad: No. I like it there.

Damien: Come on, man. I’m just doing my job. Move the boat or I will.

Chad: No.

Damien: Seriously? Move. The. Boat. Five feet. That’s all we need. Just five feet.

Chad: No.

[Side note: I’m also pretty sure there were some n-words thrown around by Mr. Pontoon and family. Those folks look like n-word users, right?]

SUDDENLY, out of nowhere one of these sunburned, topless motherfuckers comes flying out of the wings and sucker punches Damien with the full weight of his all-American beer gut.

There’s a gasp heard ‘round the dock at this point. Everyone is like, “Oh, shit.” Damien stumbles backward, but takes the hit like a champ. Then he throws his hat in the air and was like, “Let’s dance, motherfucker.” And it was on.

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All of the sunburned white guys (like SIX of them by my count) jump Damien, but he’s holding his own. Meanwhile, the young dock worker from earlier—the 16-year-old kid—tries to intervene. But bless his little heart, it’s to no avail. This boy is a lover, not a fighter. He doesn’t know how to throw hands. He probably doesn’t even know how to throw a ball. He immediately gets punched in the gut BY AN ADULT MAN and scampers off. That’s fine. He tried. He did more than any other white person on that dock.

What the fuck, white people? Where were you? Fucking embarrassing.

So Damien is scrabbling and clawing for his damn life. Then his first savior comes. A big Black dude in a Nike t-shirt comes in and is like, “Not today, Satan.” And he starts making the fight a bit more fair.

But their men are starting to lose this battle, so this is when the white womenfolk jump into the fray. They’re shoving and I think I saw a kick or two because women do love to kick.

AND THEN, a bitch in a purple shirt (still holding her damn beer BTW) shoves Damien. He (rightfully so) defends himself by shoving her back and some white dude clutches his pearls and jumps to her defense. Because of course, he does (biggest eyeroll ever). First of all, these dumb bitches insert themselves into fights and then cry when they get their asses beat. You joined a fucking fight. What did you think was going to happen? And second of all, I saw an interesting hot take today theorizing that many white people are outraged that a couple of white women got hit by Black men. The theory posed is that they’re pissed because ONLY WHITE MEN are allowed to hit white women. I mean, it’s not wrong. The truth kind of hurts. Almost as much as a chair to the head. (Yeah, we’ll get there.)

While this is all happening, a young man who is Damien’s co-worker on the Harriet II is watching and he’s had enough. He dives into the water and starts swimming to the dock full-speed. He gets to the dock and pulls himself out of the water in a fluid motion which implies he does not miss upper body day at the gym, because holy shit, that’s hard to do. Gets on the dock, kicks off his shoes, and assumes his fight position. He’s ready to rumble.

Now more Black people are joining the fight. They’ve been at the dock hanging out or whatever, but they’re seeing someone who is outnumbered and they’re not having it.

Somehow, somewhere, the pontoon moved and Harriet II docked. And when the gangplank went down, the entire crew came off ready to defend their co-worker, Damien.

Now the chaos ensues. This is where you need to watch 50 different videos from 50 different angles because so much went down. The word “melee” doesn’t begin to describe it. It was like looking at one of those Renaissance pictures where you’ve got a focal point, but all kinds of shit is happening in the background. A lady got thrown off the dock, a dude got knocked through his Crocs, and so many slaps and punches were handed out to the Pontoon Posse that I lost count (and my breath from laughing so hard). The hillbilly brigade had no idea when they chose violence they’d end the fight nursing hangovers, sunburns, bruises, and crushed egos.

Finally, the cops showed up but they were utterly confused. They didn’t know who to arrest and they really didn’t look like they wanted to get in between any of the fighters. So they hung back and sort of went, “no…stop…don’t do that…”

That’s when a Black man materialized out of the ether with a goddamn folding chair and started beating the ever-loving shit out of the white people. One KKKaren in particular got thumped on the head. And this is the point where a lot of white people were like, “Hey now…that’s a woman…I’m not sure I’m okay with this.”

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However, I think Karen got what was coming. She was not an innocent here. Not at all. This was her family of thugs and she happily joined in, but she over-estimated her abilities and she lost. I would argue that if SHE had seen a chair materialize out of the ether, she would have absolutely weaponized it. Did you know that when the Captain was interviewed and he said he was familiar with this family and had problems with them in the past, one of the examples he gave was they stole a golf cart from Harriet II? Yeah, they have video of this family stealing a golf cart that was used to transport boat guests who couldn’t walk to the parking lot. Elderly people. Sick people. Disabled people. That sort of thing. Tell me again how this is a family of good, innocent people.

Nah, fuck that.

When Karen got bopped, this is the point where it appears the cops were finally goaded into action and started putting people into handcuffs. It wasn’t until today, though, that they got to watch all the videos and really figure out who the guilty parties were. Guess who got arrested? So far, only three of the white dudes. Not enough, in my opinion. Watch those videos again, officers.

They’re asking to “speak” to the Chairman, but I don’t think he should go.

There’s been quite a bit of hand-wringing about this whole thing. “Two wrongs don’t make a right!” is something I’m hearing a lot about. My brand is People I Want to Punch in the Throat, so I clearly don’t have a problem with vigilante justice. Did this get out of hand? Absolutely. But let’s imagine, for a minute, a few different scenarios:

1. The Cracker Barrel Contingent never parked in Harriet’s spot = no fight.

2. Chad, his dad, and his bros moved their boat when they were asked to do so = no fight.

3. The shirtless asshole never sucker punched Damien Pickett = no fight.

4. No one intervened when Damien Pickett was on the ground being pummeled by at least 6 men = possibly a funeral. He’s an older man with hypertension and diabetes and those men were PILING on.

It wasn’t that hard to avoid this. The white folks should have MOVED THE FUCKING BOAT. But their tiny racist minds could not handle a Black man asking them to do it.

Oh well. Enjoy prison, y’all!

PS - This whole thing goes so much deeper than a fight on a dock. And to anyone who says it wasn’t racially motivated, I encourage you to go down the rabbit hole of the history of Montgomery and the history of this spot in particular. This is the place where enslaved people arrived on the riverfront and were sold in the city’s market. This is the city where Rosa Parks refused to give up her bus seat and was arrested. And I think it’s a strange coincidence that the white family who refused to move their pontoon when a Black man asked them to is from Selma. Where the infamous Edmund Pettus Bridge is located.